This particular theme is everybody can relate. I had myself bumped into that point and it was internal suffering to face, yet what I was glad about was it eventually passed. It obviously took time but the good news was it would vanish and replaced by another story or distraction.
Once you thought that person was the best choice in your life, like none of other would be. Once you thought that person would cheer your day for an infinite long time, read forever. Once you thought by that person’s presence would make you easier to move on from previous heart breaking scene. Once you thought you had firmed your decision to close any other doors because you thought that person was the best person who you “allowed” to came across your inner line.
Then time went by.
More aspects to come and you started to ponder. You analyzed your position and how you translated that person’s action into your definition of priority. You came up with a messy random summary:
“Am I meant something in your life ?”
“Do you value me as I value you ?”
“Am I prioritized ?”
“Do my presence make different in your life ? Will you feel emptier without me around ?”
Or another similar series of question kept popping up and it made you turned to think was it true your earlier view on that person. It distracted your mood and made little thing bigger that it really was. You started to quest the answer and when it didn’t satisfy you adequately, you thought that person was playing around. You thought your time wasted. But now I realize, most of answers are delivered in silence. You need more than statement. I am late to realize this but at least now I have different perspective on that.
The relationship without any fix status always haunts me and it scares me of having a newer approach of someone. I am afraid of wasting another time. I am afraid of my overthinking will take over the path’ smoothness and envisage me with another similar traumatic ending. That’s why at the same time, my feeling about romantic things gradually saturated. I don’t feel I need to pursue it courageously like before. I don’t feel there’s someone who is brave enough to ask a commitment. At its worst, I don’t think I deserve any love LOL but it’s merely another overthinking of mine.
I learned a lot about moving on past few years. How I hug bitterness and let what I am feeling inside to feel what it has to. Sometime I yearn that person but I don’t deny it. I let the feeling stream until it fades. I don’t attempt to be stronger by being denial which will disadvantage myself. More I deny, more feeling of yearning to come. So I better let it expressed. What different is I don’t take action. I stop at the point of feeling. I let it absorb me and then fade. It appears back and forth but I am ready whenever I yearn that person. By time goes, God will destine me with someone who is better or in case the person is still the same, I will meet the better version of that person. The keyword is it’s gonna be better.
Don’t be afraid of moving on. It’s just the phase of life and God examines you whether you believe in letting something go which will replaced by something better as He promised. The best feeling in this world is the feeling of acceptance, whether good or bad it is.