something’s changed

Rereading my previous blog posts about college was surreal. As if I was watching someone else feel those feelings and I had to think of something to say. Just 2 months ago, when I read my own posts, I would feel like crying. I no longer feel like crying.

I have friends now, some deeper than others, but that’s how it always is. I met a girl called Alvina during orientation but that’s strangely not why I’m friends with her. She was in the same orientation group as me but it’s as if I looked past her at no one. I vaguely remember the faces of everyone in that group except her. It wasn’t until after we became friends that she told me I was in her orientation group. Her first impression of me was that I was a bitch. I had no impression of her at all.

I was so preoccupied with my own mind those few weeks that anybody who wanted to make a connection with me probably would’ve failed. I wouldn’t say I was mean or unapproachable; I just wasn’t there.

Similar to my experience with Alvina, recalling my floor’s orientation, I can’t remember a single person besides one of the advisers. I think I was at or reaching the peak of my loneliness. I know Karan now, but suddenly I realized that he was that one Indian guy during orientation that said he loves watching anime. I felt so small and scared during the icebreaker that I couldn’t bring myself to trade places with him even though I knew I watched anime too. It sounds so dumb, but looking back it’s as if I didn’t even want to make friends. I thought I did, yet I didn’t make any effort to remember anyone. I usually don’t remember people I don’t really care about, but this is a little more than I expected. I can’t even make a connection of their face now to when I first saw them.

I think Alvina is the only friend I have right now that would actively seek me out to do something. I’m so grateful I met her and became friends with her. Or that she wanted to be friends with me; especially since it feels like she already knows half the school because a lot of people from her high school came to UIUC. Even though I like the people on my floor (and I think they like me), I don’t think any of them would look for me if I wasn’t already in front of them. That’s fine, I just wish I could somehow be more important. I don’t know if important’s the right word.

I think I’m happy now, but I might be too attached to my floor. Often I love things more than they love me, even if it doesn’t show. I’m afraid that when it’s all over, we will never talk again. Karan punched my forehead and said I was dumb for thinking that, Moon said he would sleep on our couch, but I can’t see why they would want to go out of their way to come to our apartment. When you’re on the same floor, it’s kind of a given. I’m already thinking of all the movie nights that won’t happen. All the 3AM chicken wing ordering sessions that won’t happen. There’s still a whole semester and a half and I’m already so far away.

There’s another girl I met called Anahi. She lives on my floor but for most of the beginning of the year, I felt that she disliked me. It always felt like she would avoid talking to me and only address Moon. Thinking back, this is understandable because he’s so much more approachable and interesting, but it’s strange how that’s changed. Suddenly Alvina, Anahi, and I have signed an apartment lease for sophomore year. I wouldn’t call her a friend that would just text me to do something, but it’s weird how we talk now. She’s so many things I’m not but wish I could be.

There are more people I’ve met and talk to and text here and there but it’s hard to build a connection simply because we don’t meet often enough. Isha is super chill and one of the first people I really met and hung out with. Suhi is Alvina’s friend, and she’s always been nice. Irdina is one of the sweetest and just good people I’ve met.

College is incredible with the amount of people you meet. It’s no longer the social aspect that’s weighing me down, but the academic aspect. I have my second physics and math midterm next week, but I don’t feel prepared at all. I’m about to start studying, but I can see the motivation slowly leaving me. I’m always on top of it in the beginning of the year, but somewhere along the way I fall. This time I need to get back up.

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