The common denominator amongst us mere humans is time. Every single one of us is limited by the same 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. So after swapping 40 of your precious hours a week bleeding your brains out at your corporate slave desk, some idiot on the internet tells you to get going with a side hustle.

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Urgh. If I hear the word side hustle one more damn time, I will torch myself.

Before you do that, hang tight for 5 minutes.

A side hustle means one of two things to people: a second job, or a smarter way to earn money. …


Contrary to popular belief, renting is not burning cash

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Photo by Tierra Mallorca on Unsplash

As a young millennial trapped in the mosh pit known as London, I know all too well what a high cost of living in a city can do to ravage and asphyxiate the hopes and dreams of being a homeowner in a metropolis that’s in a class of its own.

The average house price in London currently stands at £483,922. Yep. that’s right. At half a million squids, you start to question whether pursuing your passions of being a digital art guru with a potato parity salary was worth it. …


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Photo by Alejandro Barba on Unsplash

Foreign developers from Hong Kong and Russia have reportedly bought out half of London in a bid to do better than the government. The average price of a luxury build flat from the overseas developers is currently estimated at £3 million for a 12 ft square apartment.

‘The UK government are clearly doing a shoddy job of improving the quality of life of Londoners. We’re here to make London great again.’ — Lee Ka Ching of conglomerate HK Stock Corp.

However plans for new luxury build developments in London’s trendiest neighbourhoods have been met with disapproval by disgruntled hipsters.

‘It’s absolutely outrageous. They’ve come here and taken over our gastro pubs. …


Getting Your Social Connections In Order

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Photo by Greg Bulla on Unsplash

Step 1 : Vamos, Time To Get Famos

It’s not LinkedIn if you haven’t given yourself a nice biography. Juj up your profile by inflating your titles to the max. Yes that’s right. You’re now Managing Director of a one-man band in your parent’s basement.

Oh and make sure you include a series of vertical pipes in your headline description for some all important wanker-signalling.


The inner thoughts of an imprisoned soul

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Photo by Johnson Wang on Unsplash

9.00

Fuck’s sake, Ross. No, I don’t want to try your stupid muffins your children have baked. They look like the inner linings of your arsecrack.

9.10

What time is it? It’s time to move some boxes around on a screen.

9.30

Yet another email from Jason. Does this plank of wood not understand anything?

10.30–12.00

Right let’s get this horseshite production on the road. Cocked from day 1 but what do I care let’s shove it down their throats anyways

12.00–1

Fave time of the day

1–1.30

It’s in the backlog, is it? I’ll shove you in the backlog in a minute.

1.30–2

Take this offline? WE ARE OFFLINE YOU HEMORRHOIDAL…


Ideas to keep you occupied whilst being locked down in your own home

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as part of the social distancing collection
  • Hang pictures of your colleagues around your home so you can remember what they look like
  • Get a head start on disinfecting. That’s right. Your man-drawer, your y-fronts, your lungs.
  • Have a multi-way Skype dinner party
  • Look out of your window in despair and reminisce the good times.
  • Mount some railings outside your windows. You’re in prison now.
  • Been let go? Time to dip into your Monopoly money reserves.
  • People disrespecting your space? Don attire from the social distancing collection. They’ll get the message soon enough.
  • Put on that weight you’ve always been meaning to pile on
  • That kid of yours, yeah maybe learn his name now? …


Satire

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Photo by Claire Mueller on Unsplash

The Japanese government have allayed fears amongst Olympic 2020 ticket holders, assuring the general public that the quadrennial world sporting event will go ahead, thanks to huge toilet paper stockpiling efforts from UK architecture firm Hoarders and Sons.

The world-renowned firm have made it their utmost priority to prevent themselves from filing for administration, triggered by the current global pandemic.

‘The show must go on. We can’t think of anything better than building biodegradable stadiums in self-isolation. Plus we can wipe our shit as we go. Take that coronabitch.’

Complaints have been raised by the locals, who have been unable to compete with the supermarket raids for the much coveted biodegradable material, to stay ahead of the competition. …


MobS

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Multipurpose: perfect for travelling, picking up passengers and drive-bys

Dubbed the Uber of mobility scooters, MobS allows users to utilize their electric vehicles for pedestrians needing to hitch a ride in return for a small fee. Riders can simply stop drivers, or mobsters, as they are known amongst the MobS community, mid-journey and request to hop on.

Early feedback from passengers has been largely positive:

‘It’s a little uncomfortable piggybacking. I did notice my mobster choking a bit but for the price, it definitely beats public transport!’

‘It’s cut my weekly grocery shop time in half. My mobster drives me through the supermarket. …

About

Elle Chapeau

It’s hard being funny. People need to start taking my jokes more seriously.

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