In Vin We Trust: The Last Witch Hunter

Once upon a time there was a super-intense and edgy barbarian Witch Hunter called Kaulder (Vin Diesel).

Kaulder had a sweet viking beard, a peculiar granite intensity, a rad flaming sword called Witchslayer, and his THAC0 was totally bitchin’, too. He didn’t have any gnarly Celtic tatts or blue facepaint though — that would’ve probably been pushing it a bit too far.

Kaulder and his bad-arse warrior brethren roamed the plague-afflicted Dark Ages wasteland slaying deadites, I mean witches, and being, like, super-pissed because his adorable wife and daughter had been murdered by said witches in hazy, super-saturated flashback.

Prologue style, Kaulder and his Night’s Watch track down the Witch Queen, who’s brought the plague to their lands, and get into an epic smackdown which culminates with Kaulder totally being made immortal as punishment for… being awesome.

Cue: righteous flaming title resolve! Power chord!

Cut to the present day!

Image © Garth Jones 2015

Kaulder has sadly ditched the medieval barista look and is now rocking GQ magazine essentials for the chunkier bro — totally hot. Kaulder’s brooding darkness is irresistible to airhostesses everywhere and he lives in a total pimp pad in a skyscraper! He has superfly wheels and is even best friends with Alfred (Michael Gambon), who’s actually his 36th sidekick priest from the Order of the Black Thorn. Kaulder is essentially Blade meets Connor McLeod meets John Constantine.

He’s pretty effin’ cool, you guys.

Anyway, eternal life is just one long procession of hostie-hookups and busting witch-perps until Alfred is mysteriously murdered via mystical skullduggery!

Luckily, Kaulder has a pretty comprehensive knowledge of the Dungeon Master’s Guide and Monster Handbook, and can bluff it out with even the most learned Level 14 Warlocks in a pinch. Oh, and he’s also assigned a new sidekick (Daniel Radcliffe), who, gasp, he actually saved from some witches as a baby!

Can anyone see where this one is going?

I think not! During his investigation, Kaulder meets a hot red-headed witch lady called Ygritte (Christina Hendricks) in a bar that might be a leftover set from Angel, but she’s actually a good witch lady who can see the dream-plane and is obviously pretty smitten with Kaulder’s magnetic granite charm.

Image credit: Eone

So! It turns out the rebel witch Belial (who’s also in a High On Fire tribute band), has topped poor Alfred in his hunt for a mystical artifact that’ll raise the Witch Queen, who is actually the last ever character designed by H.R. Giger (Species) himself!

Before we know it, Belial has raised the Witch Queen and holy shit, Kaulder needs to suit up with Witchslayer and a gnarly pump action shotgun and some magickal deus ex machinae and venture into the catacombs where the Sentry, a sub-boss made of skulls and fire (\m/ \m/), lurks and the plague is about to be released!

There are some great callbacks to the fun we had with Kaulder at the start and some one-liners that may even give that known wit George Lucas a bit of a run for his money!

Luckily, things go according to plan and, although the plague gets released and looks startlingly like the end of Ghostbusters, Kaulder totally wins the Witch Queen boss battle with the help of his dead wife and kid and Witchslayer and even Ygritte helps a bit but does not kiss him.

Then, he goes and stars in Fast and Furious 9: Resurrection and we cut to a cover of The Rolling StonesPaint It Black as performed by a super-righteous Evanescence cover band.

Totes sick!

Best movie ever!

– Vin Diesel (age 13.5)

Originally published at