Most Wretched 2016

Image © Garth Jones, 2016

In anticipation of my Underworld: Blood Wars review, dropping tomorrow, here are seven of my patented hopscotch friday bile-hammer excoriations of the most wretched flicks of 2016 (thus far).

Bad Moms

“From the wretched minds behind The Hangover, here’s another WASPy, Mean Girls riffing comedy loaded with white picket fence blandishments and revelling in the weird passive aggressive warfare of marriage and the eternal quest to make sure all of the other ‘moms’ think you’re perfect or something…”

http://hopscotchfriday.tumblr.com/post/148722312693/bad-moms

Gods Of Egypt

“Aussie director Alex Proyas, once feted as a visionary, stands idly by as his continual bummer of a career trajectory grinds inexorably south. Here, he demotes himself to ‘poorly rendered PS2 cut-scene choreographer’…”

http://hopscotchfriday.tumblr.com/…/139988421…/gods-of-egypt

The Girl on the Train — AU

“Anyway, to divulge much more would be to be giving this tepid load of extreme white person’s paranoid-delusional marital-fantasia kamikaze-nihilist death-spiral self-importance-delusion navel gazing way too much thought by an order of flat-fucking-out-reprehensible…”

http://hopscotchfriday.tumblr.com/…/1…/the-girl-on-the-train

Dirty Grandpa

“Sleep paralysis on awakening is known as hypnopompia. The ordeal can be accompanied by hallucinations, often manifesting as malevolent shadowy incubi terrorising the sufferer (known in some cultures as The Night Hag), which also offers some explanation for alien abduction experiences and supernatural encounters…”

http://hopscotchfriday.tumblr.com/…/138202268…/dirty-grandpa

The Huntsman: Winter’s War

“…the slog of repetition eventually elicits a resigned, benign acquiescence: sure, let’s hove into that contemporary fixation with grim-dark retellings of Grimm’s fairytales. Sure, let’s ram some more nonsensical, Peter Jackson fixated ‘epic’ battles in there. What do ‘the kids’ dig? Origins! Sure, let’s do Huntsman Begins…”

http://hopscotchfriday.tumblr.com/…/the-huntsman-winters-war

Warcraft: The Beginning

“Warcraft: The Beginning runs a full, harrowing two hours, and inspires sensations akin to that initial, nauseating cataclysm of airborne sound and fury looped ruthlessly into your cerebral cortex. It’s art-noise feedback squall cranked to ’eleven’ and wed mercilessly to the dizzying inertia and incomprehensible excess of Michael Bay’s worst celluloid atrocities…”

http://hopscotchfriday.tumblr.com/…/…/warcraft-the-beginning

War Dogs Movie

Homo homini lupus.” — Latin proverb.

http://hopscotchfriday.tumblr.com/…/it-was-surreal-packouz-…

Shout out to Schork for taking the bullet on X-Men: Apocalypse and for getting heinously wasted with us in order to endure Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, too.

Originally published on Facebook.