Whelp, I learned something today.
But first, a whiff of context: So this whole queerness has really only bloomed over the last three months. I’ve known for a long time, if we’re being honest. So there are a lot of things that are new to me.
I had read the Lesbian MasterDoc (by Anjeli Luz) back in May, but my selective retention didn’t let the first segment on compulsory heterosexuality (aka comphet) really settle in. Only today are the nebulous bits really starting to clarify.
According to the MasterDoc, ‘“Compulsory heterosexuality” is exactly what it sounds like — being straight is something our culture tries to force on us.”
So what does this mean? It took me a while to make it really sing. Here’s how I spelled comphet out for a pal of mine.
Imagine, if you will, you are left-handed. Only 10% of the population is reported to be left-handed.
One does not choose to be left-handed, but they can choose to learn to be right-handed, especially in the cases of people being raised in different parts of the world. You can learn to assimilate, though your natural inclination remains the same. We prefer one way, we learn to go the other, we adapt (even though those scissors aren’t as comfortable).
But, geez, I didn’t know that gay was even a thing until I was like 10-years old. It simply wasn’t a facet of life’s potential for me. If I had known there were an alternative I woudn’t have invested in catching D along with the inevitable BS that it entails. Plus, I’m good, and good people are performative and take cues just so someone — anyone — will come to my doorstep, specifically for canoodling.
The TV we were raised on was straight. Our movies were straight. Everyone we knew was straight. And when I learned about homosexuality it was in context of Bill and Ted, Wayne and Garth, Beevis and Butthead which was incredibly formative (if you’re not elderly, it was a bunch of bro content with a mild-to-moderate level of implied and overt homophobia).
Surely it wasn’t me playing to a role blindly. The machinations engineered a a concept of a civil society and built messaging along the strict, regimented lines. Lines are easy to follow, though.
Now I think about how irrational rage washed over me in romance movies. I had no idea why Crocodile Dundee and Edward Scissorhands and Love, Actually all made me seeth in every cell of my body, and I remember not really knowing why. It’s not real, I’d think. Romance and romcoms still make me physically uncomfortable, and all of them are mostly forgettable.
But Ellen coming out, awkward and exposed on primetime tv, lives rent-free in my mind. I can remember the lighting on our livingroom. I can remember my heart racing, and yawning it away to hide any emotions.
Some of us had duties to perform, however: To marry a presentable male human and to sire his spawn. The only trouble is when you’re not particularly interested in fellas, your standards span from low to “you’ll do.” Well, at least in my case…
And in the comphetative post-mortem we’re attending today, the idea of “you’ll do” was simple enough, but it almost always got me into trouble. When you’re left handed and need some scissors, any old pair will do, no matter how painful and awkward it is.
In her book Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power, author/activist Audre Lorde called bullshit on my personal neglect through indiscretion;
It is never easy to demand the most from ourselves, from our lives, from our work. To encourage excellence is to go beyond the encouraged mediocrity of our society is to encourage excellence. But giving in to the fear of feeling and working to capacity is a luxury only the unintentional can afford, and the unintentional are those who do not wish to guide their own destinies.
Audre Lorde — this specific quote — was what shook all comphetative trappings from my core. If your intention is to please, then you are unintentional to yourself.
Still today, I’m shaking the last bits of shame and doubt from my limbs. Who will take care of me? I wonder. Shake it out.
I will. I’m good for it. Adjustments and modifications are easy for lefties.
