To Everyone Who Grew Up Too Fast

Colette 🌩️💝 Kerr
Feb 4 · 2 min read
A plushie hedgehog and peacock look out on a rainy day
A plushie hedgehog and peacock look out on a rainy day

I think you’ve been trained to think that you are always bad
That you always are doing something wrong
So no matter what you’re doing you think that there is something you could be doing better
You’re a neural network matching static to its training set with no way to say “There isn’t anything here for me to see”
or “I didn’t do anything wrong”

And you don’t have a way to know the difference between slights and real problems
Its like you’re super sensitive and everything is black and white, full contrast
No shades of grey
And no rest

I want you to know something very important:
I understand how you feel

I used to obsess over errors, every conversation, every action
Replay over and over and over and over
Find what I said wrong. This mistake. The mistakes. Take apart what people said or did and try to find the meaning. The clue. The reasons they might be mad at me
The things I should defend against, apologize for
Be ready to be yelled at over
By my mom
A teacher
My partners
My wife
My friends
I tried so hard to be right
Strained to be someone that they all wanted me to be
I thought that the trick was trying
that more was the answer
It wasn’t
I had to let go of the analysis
And it wasn’t about being myself either, I won’t tell you to be yourself because yourself isn’t a single thing and right now you’re used to being so damaged that you don’t know what or who you are underneath it all
What you need is to forgive yourself and let You find You
You need to be free to change and make innocent mistakes and have people around you who will help to get to the place you need to be
You need to be empowered to be anyone again, someone you’re not [allowed to be]
To regress and progress
To try to be an adult around people that won’t judge you
To be able to “get away” with things

Growing is messy
And you never got a chance to do it

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