The Night Before Fast & Furious

A bedtime story of fleetness, furor, family, and fCoronas. Illustrations by Heather Christianson.

The moon was slow-moving, and couldn’t be sped,
The speedsters were snug in their big race car beds,
Racer X-mas was coming, it’d soon be arriving,
But Paul Walker stirred, for his mind was still driving.

He rose with a loudness that jostled the house,
“I know how to celebrate!” he gasped as they roused,
“Let’s put on a show, oh it‘d be terrific!”
They murmured with doubt, but asked for specifics.

“You’d all form a street crew — Vin Diesel, you’d lead them
And steal things for money, but street race for freedom!
I’ll be a cool cop who goes undercover,
We’d first fight as rivals, but end up as brothers!”

The whole house was eager and lit up with passion
As they thought of duties Paul and Vin could fashion,
“It’ll be full of action. Just packed to the gills!”
But Tyrese wanted brisker, and angrier still.

“Your idea is good,” Tyrese hesitated,
“But Ludacris and I would make it high-rated!”
“Take my role then, buddy. You lead it,” Vin says,
“I’ll make a call so we get Eva Mendes!”

Paul mumbled “who?” he couldn’t recall,
(This takes place pre-2001, after all)
Yet they stayed enthused, and more so inspired,
But Lucas Black called for less quickness and ire.

“Bah!” Lucas drawled, “That idea’s atrocious,
It’s just far 2 frenzied, and far 2 ferocious!
Let Bow Wow and I drive abroad, I insist,
We’ll take over Tokyo- you catch my drift?”

The friends smiled and nodded, all very confused,
No one really “got” how Lucas joined the crew,
With shrugs they moved forward, all on the same page,
But Vin went and asked for more swiftness and rage.

“I’m back in,” Vin stated, “But traveling’s fun — 
What if Paul joins my crew for a Mexico run?
I’d end up in prison — Michelle, you would die!”
The crew gasped in awe. She passively sighed.

“Whatever,” she mumbled. The gang was elated,
They reveled the way they always celebrated — 
“Let’s drink!” Paul cheered. “Coronas™!” Vin added,
But Dwayne said it must be more rushed and more rabid.

“More stunts! More danger! More heists!” The Rock screamed,
“Can I be an agent who’s hunting your team?
I’ll chase you to Rio, join up for revenge,
And let you drag vaults through the streets as amends!”

“That’s not possible.” Jordana replied,
But she could not be heard over all their high-fives.
The Rock gave their project some rejuvenation,
But Michelle craved more hustle, and more indignation.

“I’m not really dead,” she stated so plainly,
“I’m brainwashed, and evil- but you have to save me!
We’ll drive through a plane in our final evasion,
And at the last-minute, ta-da– Jason Statham!”

They all shouted “whoa!” upon hearing his name,
No one cared how largely the concept had changed.
They started their cars and their NOS apparatus,
But Kurt wanted far more momentum and madness.

“More!” Kurt Russell yelled, “Take it to ten!
You’re not just street racers, you’re now super-men!
Let’s drop cars from planes, bomb copters and homes,
Hang off of car spoilers, and flex broken bones!”

“I think it should be a bit sweeter,” Paul grimaced.
Kurt rolled his eyes. “Fine, but in the last minutes.”
The friends all concurred that this was the right path,
But Charlize still wished for more haste and more wrath.

Before Charlize Theron could speak, Vin proclaimed
“Enough is enough, it can’t be more insane!
What idea is better? What outlandish scene?”

She grinned and said two words: 
Ice submarine.”

A silence befell, her words echoed the halls,
The crew looked to Vin and then Vin looked to Paul.
He stared at Charlize, then scowled and said cannily,
“That’s idea’s crazy… enough for this family!”

Paul’s confirmation made all the crew go nuts
As Vin and Kurt doled out a round of Coronas™,
Their pitches were solid, but this one was sturdiest,
The ideal levels, so fast and so furious!

Together, they’d stricken a beautiful chord,
An ode to the streets, stunts, and cars they adored.
“It’s perfect in furor, and perfect in speed!”

“But still- let’s make more.” the crew all agreed.