THE PSYCHEFILES
I am a perfectionist overfunctioner
Overcoming the pathological fear that we aren’t doing enough with our lives
I only came across the term “perfectionist overfunctioner” recently. Ultimately it means that one is “doing more than is necessary, more than is appropriate and more than is healthy”. Being on overdrive. And women are more prone to this kind of thinking than men are. What drives women to overfunction?
To sum it up in one word, it’s fear.
Fear of being judged by others, fear of failure, fear of asking for help as this appears weak, fear of missing out, fear that someone else will do things wrong?
Our society is going through an endemic shift where being perfect constantly, and being able to deliver at 150% capacity is the norm, the expectation. With the onset of social media, and the exposure of our private lives in the public domain there is more access to what people do day to day and there is more pressure to keep up with those standards. And let’s not forget social pressures from our close friends and family, our partners, our bosses as well as our own harshest critic; our selves. It is an overfunctioner’s dream to accomplish everything. We are always wondering whether we are making the most our lives, in fear of being an underachiever.
Some of us have gotten locked into this dynamic, which we then struggle to escape from because if we slow down it feels like we are failing or aren’t doing enough with our lives.
Rejecting the perception that overfunctioning is success
Personality traits of hyper-responsibility, perfectionism and overfunctioning at surface level can be deemed beneficial in the sense that one appears more efficient and driven in achieving their goals. Over time though, it becomes increasingly apparent that this is not the case. In fact, it is INEVITABLE that eventually this would take a toll on our emotional and physical wellbeing, which would ultimately have an adverse effect to our intentions.
A good way to identify whether you err on the side of being an overfunctioner is to do some self exploration with the below questions:
- Are you driven to do things because you “should” ? (rather than because you “want to”)
- Is your personal success (professional or personal) dependent on the comparative performance of others?
- Does everything in your life feel urgent? (another way to test this, is if someone asks you how you are, do you always answer with ‘busy’?)
- Do you feel that asking for help is a sign of weakness, and you’d rather try to and resolve everything yourself?
- Do you feel like you’re living someone else’s definition or expectation of happiness or success? (for example, what friends or family would expect)
If you answered yes to the majority of the above questions, you quite likely edge towards being an overfunctioner.
Managing overfunctioning tendencies
If you are an overfunctioner, the answer is not to reject these attributes and try to eliminate them. Rather, it’s about developing your self awareness, so that you can make a conscious choice of when to engage those behaviours and when to restrain them. There is nothing wrong about wanting to do it all, however it’s important to recognise that wellbeing will be compromised if we’re always driving at full speed with no break.
- Embrace the habit of the pause button
Developing this habit is a great first step in becoming more self aware — if you are not able to pause, those compulsive behaviours to overfunction will slip in before you can catch them. Practise pausing, in particular when you are being asked to do something or when you have an impulse to jump in and fix something. Pausing for five seconds should be enough!
Once you do allow yourself to pause and reflect on whether this priority really is a priority, try experimenting with new behaviours that, where appropriate, focus on your self-care and allow you to actually retrieve energy rather than be constantly drained.
Remember, if you are always overfunctioning for others it will mean you are most likely underfunctioning for yourself.
2. Practise gratitude
Part of overfunctioning is derived from the fear that we have not achieved enough, or are not good enough. Practising gratitude enables us to remember and appreciate what we have achieved. We happen to be really good at remembering all the failures and traumatic events with little regard to our successes. Before you go to sleep every night, try and recall TWO things which happened that day which you feel really grateful about. It could be as small as having your favourite cup of coffee that day to getting praised for that work project you completed. The little things need to be acknowledged in the grand scheme of your daily life.
3. Re-evaluate your priorities
You’re ready. Sit and down and make a list of everything that you think is a priority in your life currently. Make sure you add everything.
Look over this list. Is everything really a priority?
Why?
This is a key question. If any of the answers are “I don’t know” or “I should” or “my friends/family would approve” then that means you may need to reconsider how important this goal really is.
Does it all have to happen right now? Could it wait for six months? If not, what’s the rush?
Try and be super selective and re-order this list by priority status. Write the reasoning for its urgency next to it. The rule is that nothing on that list can be included if it doesn’t actually have some value which truly matters to you. That’s excessive clutter which is further feeding perfectionist overfunctioning tendencies.
The reality is, by focusing on multiple goals simultaneously, our performance would be hindered as our attention would be stretched.
“Only once you give yourself permission to stop trying to do it all, to stop saying yes to everyone, can you make your highest contribution towards the things that really matter.” — Greg McKeown
By being selective and targeted, we have the mental capacity to eliminate non-essentials and actually prioritise the areas which are genuinely important for our personal growth.
Overfunctioning can be addictive because it can become the lifeline for obtaining value and self esteem*. We need to try and sever that link in order to be objective. However it’s also important to address the fear behind being motivated to overfunction. We ALL have fears, and they are often helpful in protecting us. Yet if we are unaware of what those fears are and why they are there, we are unable to control our compulsive behaviours and can often be driven to engage in self-destructive behaviours without actually having a choice.
By being able to ask for help, to set boundaries and respect your personal limits you can focus on achieving your goals in a sustainable and healthy way -without burnout, or stress. Personally, I have been there. It’s stressful always being on the go and it’s stressful being afraid of doing less — in my mind that was associated with failure. However, increasing my awareness around those tendencies and actually aiming to prioritise my wellbeing has been the greatest decision I ever made. The ultimate realisation was that by being on overdrive I was harming my personal health, and as a result I was actively hindered from achieving my goals and personal growth. I experienced burnout, and lacked the energy needed to push on. I felt defeated. And then it dawned on me that in fact this was not overfunctioning and achieving; I was slower and more inefficient than ever before and I was lacking the drive needed to push on. So I stopped. I took breaks. I practised meditation, I exercised and I embraced the concept of self-care. I thought about my fears and why I was compelled to always be busy.
An essential consequence to this was freeing myself from guilt or shame about doing less, and embracing the view that I was prioritising what matters most. It’s about being forgiving with yourself and understanding that taking a breather should equally be a goal. The downward spiral of trying to achieve everything doesn’t end otherwise; there will always be more expectations and more goals to achieve which can be detrimental if they are purely important because you have something to prove.
Psychebites
- Overfunctioning is especially prevalent amongst women however it is also an expectation within modern society
- By choosing to slow down and re-prioritise your goals, you are not failing
- Respect your boundaries and manage perfectionist tendencies
- Explore your fears to understand why you feel you need to overfunction
- Remember that the only person you need to answer to is your self!
*Read my article on self esteem about further information on this!
