Perceptive Parenting:
Four Tips for Raising Compassionate Children
Over the course of the last sixteen years, I’ve gathered a collection of positive pointers for our parenting path. This 4-part sequence of effective parenting tips will serve all parenting styles, for kids ages 3–30 years old.
Part I. Wisdom and Clarity: On Raising Compassionate Children.
Part II. Human in Progress: Be Kind.
Part III. Calm After the Storm: How to Course-Correct After Shame Stress.
Part IV. From Stranger to Teammate: On Respecting Teens.
I. Wisdom and Clarity: On Raising Compassionate Children.
The year is 1998; I’m in grad school at The New School learning how to teach art to children, well in advance of my own parenting journey. A small but mighty book lands in my hands, a true treasure: The Triple Focus: A New Approach to Education (Florence, NC, More Than Sound, 2014). This tiny book becomes my lighthouse, laying out the three anchors for our attention: inner, other and outer. Social and emotional learning, known as SEL, covers inner and other. Systems thinking is how we explore the outer, or the bigger picture.
Social and Emotional Learning: Three Keys to Positive Parenting
Inner
Self-awareness is where it all begins; the earlier in life a child can turn the light inward and self-reflect, the easier it will be to attune to a different perspective as that child grows older. We inspire our children to self-reflect with thoughtful questions, fewer answers and more patient listening. At bedtime, or anytime you have a few moments, reflect with your child on a recent tough moment. Ask questions like, “How did that make you feel?” “That must’ve been hard for you; what did it feel like?” Try not to interrupt or say too much more. Try to allow your child to feel heard and seen with your active, patient listening.
Other
Becoming aware of others, whether in our families, classes, work or relational spaces, is the second focus. Learning how to care becomes the wiring for empathy, precisely the circuitry that social and emotional learning aims to fortify. Inquiries can be directed toward the world around us, with kids of all ages. After a challenging circumstance, inquire, “How might that have felt for your friend?” or (as with every time that my son got in trouble for conduct), “Might that have been hard for your teacher to have the class talking instead of listening to her? How would you feel if you were the teacher in that situation?” As a result of such inquiries, my son has a distinct sense for what others might be going through in any given moment. His friends and teachers have noted his compassionate way, the result of a few moments of focused inquiry and steady listening. Well worth our effort as parents to pause, ask, and really listen.
Outer
The third focus on the systems, or the larger contexts of which we are a part. Systems thinking recognizes the short and long term consequences of our actions, and explores the ways in which unintended results emerge. Systems thinking asks us how we can consider doing things differently given another chance, to shift perspective, to study the impacts of our assumptions and opinions, and to elevate our actions based on what we learn. Questions you might bring forth with your young kids or teenagers revolve around careful observation: “Did you notice when you said/did this, what happened in the room?” and “Once that happened, did anything change in your surroundings / friendship / relationship?” Such inquiries ask our kids to observe well, and generate deepening emotional intelligence for a lifetime.
This awareness of social and emotional learning is where we begin our journey into more effective, positive, perceptive parenting.
See you next week for Part II: Human Being in Progress: Be Kind.
Until then, my one and only ever parenting course, podcast-style and potent, awaits you here.
