word diarrhea

Cigarettes make me feel so good. Truly it is the most disgusting drug, but its so poetic. There is no better feeling then walking outside n the middle of the night, smoking a cigarette and just staring in the dark, thinking the thoughts. they make anything better. But they make you pay. You crave not even the nicotine but that sweet smoke in your lungs. Making you decay from inside out, like syphilis. They represent power, strength and intelligence. They represent suffering. Sometimes cigarettes are associated with low lives. Yes, it is a weakness, just like any other addiction, but its not the same as being a crack head. For a lot of people nicotine is the only way only. I am myself a merchant marine. I cant drink, i cant take drugs, however the level of stress I am forced to put up with is unbearable from time to time. Those walks to my favorite smoking spot, the conversations i have over a cigarette…yes i wish i had never started i hate myself for it every day, every time i want a smoke. It is a slow painful death and im doing it to myself, no one else. But being self destructive is in the human nature. May be it would be better if i were just dumb and didnt chase the idea that our decadence nature is the only true one. I dont understand people that have no flows. I dont understand people that only make the right choices. It seems fake. Its not an excuse for me to destroy myself that way but i would rather look my demons in the face rather then run away from them. In some way whatever we do self destructs us. The more knowledge yoou accquire the more questions you have. The more friends you got more enemies are awating for your death. At the end of the day its what questiong you have answered. To answer the questiong you have to ask it first, and you have to ask the right question. It doesnt matter whether you live ten or 100 years. Whether you write a book or die in the ditch. Your legacy may never live on. You owe it to yourself and try to pass it on. And you gotta pass on the right questions. Your kids may find the answer. Who cares if you smoke or not. If that makes you think and care then its not the worst thing you could do. As oppose to other drugs its a clean way to get your head straight. It doesnt give you a buzz. It only opens up your veins and speeds up your heart just enough for you to enjoy this depressing ass world a little more. Dont smoke when you pregnant, because at that point your life will have a meaning. But if you smoke make it mean somenthing. If you take amphetamins make it count. Dont just kill your body. Dont take it away from yourself. Take some drugs and create the greatest thing you can. Stay up 2 weeks without eating but do something great. Make your own reality real. Dont make yourself a follower. Grow some balls.