I’m teaching my first class ever in two days, and I’m feeling &#%$@!
I’d like to think that I can live my life anonymously. Say whatever I want to say without being judged for it, without sounding stupid, without feeling ashamed or embarrassed. I’ve been able to do that for my entire college career. Once upon a time, I was a Writing Major, and I took shelter in the nuances of gorgeous language. I made my home there, and it’s been a year since I’ve engaged in writing anything besides sample essays, and lesson plans.
Now, things are different. I’m a recent graduate from UC San Diego, and I have a Masters in Education. I’m a first year teacher, and I guess I’m also learning how to be an adult.
In the span of two days, I will need to figure out how to set up a classroom, turn on and use my projector, and figure out what the heck 7th grade students should be learning in my English Language Arts class.
It’s going to be a lot to take on, but for some reason, I’m not overly anxious. Maybe my brain just has not had the time to comprehend the fact that I will be responsible for teaching 160 hormonal teenagers, managing them in a respectful learning environment, planning curriculum for the next ten months, and balancing my personal life, fitness regime, healthy eating, and indulgence in creative outlets, not to mention spending time with the people I love.
As I said before, sometimes I wish I could be anonymous, and live my life under the radar. I’m an independent 23-year-old woman, and I enjoy my own company—I am not afraid to eat breakfast by myself at a sit-down restaurant, or go alone to the beach for a few hours, because I’m only responsible for taking care of my own needs and wants. And there’s nobody around to judge me.
Thing is, though, I’m going to be a teacher. I’m going to have thirty-two pairs of eyes watching my every move from 8:30 in the morning until 3:30 in the afternoon. And, like it or not, I am an integral part of these children’s learning — I can teach them grammar and literary analysis, and how to write an essay, but they’re also going to be learning from me in social ways: how I react to a mishap in class, how I model respect for others’ opinions, how I govern justice and implement consequences in my classroom, and how I demonstrate how much I care about my students. More than that, they will learn from my sense of confidence, and, I’m going to be honest, my social confidence has always been a little rocky.
In case you’re into Meyers-Briggs, I’m a proud INTJ, but these days, I’m not overly Thinking. Teaching and getting into a relationship have taught me the importance of appealing to emotions and feelings. Still, I feel that I am my truest self when I’m among other Intuitive Thinkers.
I guess the only reason I bring this up is because my analytic nature will be reflected in my writing, and in the spirit of a whirlwind of firsts — my first full-time job out of college, my first schedule of classes, my first relationship, my first time financially supporting myself — I’m going to need to analyze a lot of newness, and I want this blog to be, at its heart, an honest reflection of who I am. Being an introverted person, I tend to not talk like the extroverts do — I listen. But I love talking to people who know how to listen, and think.
This blog is meant to help me develop my voice in the next year, and it will serve as a daily record for my experiences teaching and learning.