I have PTSD. I’m not alone, neither are you.
Originally written 2/5/18
Dear friends, this is difficult for me to write and feels long overdue, but it is very important to me that you take a moment to read.
As many of you know, I went through a terrifying, difficult, at first triumphant and ultimately tragic experience towards the end of last year. I’m speaking of course about getting caught in Puerto Rico during Hurricane Maria while caring for my dear friend Clovis Tobias, who had just had his leg amputated, and our subsequent efforts to get him rescued from a devastated island, city and hospital. We both survived the terrifying days and immediate aftermath of the storm and, thanks to the collective efforts and support of so many of you, and the unparalleled generosity of a dear mutual friend, managed to eventually evacuate Clovis to Florida, find him excellent medical care and rehabilitation services, and set him up with a new home in Fort Lauderdale, supported by the additional care and love of his wonderful son Sage. Tragically, just when we were in the clear and things were looking up, Clovis suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. (One of the news items and TV clips telling our story below)
What you may not know is that the collective impact of this series of events had a profound psychological impact on me, which has now been diagnosed as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and associated side effects. I began to manifest symptoms more or less immediately upon my return from Puerto Rico after the hurricane, when I first sought treatment for what I thought were temporary issues. I continued to believe I could manage on my own for several months, until Clovis’s sudden death, when I slid into a dark emotional place that, in retrospect, had been building for months. The net impact was that starting in September I began to increasingly withdraw from life, culminating in the last several months, when I was more or less unable to sustain contact with the outside world, including friends, colleagues, and at times even my own immediate family. I was often unable to fulfill even the most basic personal and professional obligations.
I have been through many difficult situations before, but my experiences in Puerto Rico sent me reeling into a state of deep depression and continuous reliving of the traumas, a terrible and continuous cycle from which I was unable to escape on my own. Thanks to the steadfast support of my family and my wonderful wife, I am finally receiving the treatment I desperately needed to recover from both the terrible days of the hurricane itself and the subsequent chain of events. I’ve found some great professionals to help me through, and am now making steady progress towards getting back out in the the world, feeling like myself, getting back to work, and reengaging with the people I love and cherish.
You may have noticed I have been largely absent for the last several months, including not attending social engagements, not participating on Facebook and other social media, and generally not communicating regularly. Some of you who reached out to me directly did not get your emails, messages, or phone calls returned, or I abruptly cancelled plans we had made to speak to or see each other. I want to apologize to each of you not only for the lack of response and communication, but for my inability at the time to explain why. I was going through something I was unable to describe, acknowledge, or communicate. Now that I’m coming out the other side I ask both your forgiveness and understanding for that, and continued forbearance during my ongoing recovery.
As I pick myself up from this, I will be trying my best to go through all my old unanswered messages and reach out to you individually, but please feel free to reach out again if you do not hear from me. Know that I value and love you and, on the toughest days, it is the joy of having so many wonderful people in my life — and the promise of reconnecting with them — that has helped me fight through. I care about you, I miss you, and I can’t wait to be back in touch with you.
For those of you in my professional circles, expect to see me reengage and reach out over the next weeks and months as I look for new opportunities and figure out where my path will take me next. As I’ve emerged from the other side, I’ve rediscovered a deep energy and enthusiasm to get back into the fray and back to business, and am ready to make up for lost time.
We have all seen articles, read books, and watched movies about people trying to recover from the traumas of war, natural disaster, and other overwhelming and tragic events. As someone who has been through a volcano eruption, trapped and tear gassed in riots, survived 9/11 in New York, terror attacks in Israel, a plane crash, and several other terrifying near death experiences, I thought I was tough enough to overcome anything. I now understand that not only am I not invincible, but that the psychological aftermaths of trauma can sneak up on you when you least expect it, that none of us are immune to everything, and that you never know what event is going to prove too much to handle alone. As I have learned, PTSD and associated syndromes are very real. I urge each of you to support both individuals in your lives who are in need, and organizations in your communities that are helping veterans, natural disaster survivors, and refugees who aren’t lucky enough to have the resources, friends and family with which I am blessed.
Thank you to my wife Anne and the rest of my immediate family who have been so supportive, understanding, and loving through this dark time. I know how hard this was on each of you, and am grateful for your love, patience and determination to get me safely to the other side.
I’m feeling much better these days and though I’ve still got some work to do, I’m definitely coming out the other side. I’m once again optimistic about life and looking forward to seeing you all again soon — whether it is on social media, over the phone or emails, or best of all, together in person, once again enjoying life, conversation and laughs together over good food and tasty beverages!
Xoxoxo
-=E