There’s Something Going On, Folks, Okay?

Commentary, Cheeto Jesus Style. Bigly.

There’s something going on, okay? From what I hear, Crooked Donald Trump is breaking all sorts of laws — YUGE laws, bigly, and you know, laws, the biggest, you can’t believe the people who tell me this, the best people, okay? The Washington Post, The New York Times, they’re telling everybody — I don’t know, but people, people say, he’s breaking the law. Folks, if he is breaking the law, which by the way, attorney generals everywhere, and he’s talked to the best ones, they say he’s breaking the law. Except that one in Florida. I don’t know, but, you know, it’s gotta be okay, because he’s not getting arrested, his tax returns are secret, he doesn’t have to turn over the audit letter, cause it’s “whatever you can get away with”, remember that, folks. They keep saying, these people, these people nobody ever heard of, these people, that the CLINTON Foundation does good. It hasn’t broken any laws, these people say. It’s gotten an A from Charity Watch, I’m not saying that myself, people tell me that, the best people. The Trump Foundation, they break the law, I mean it’s broken, broken like you wouldn’t believe —

Hey, news media, how about you stop jerking off and confront Donald Trump in person, okay? Instead of his surrogates Babblin’ Boris Epshteyn, Screamin’ Pastor Mark Burns, Crazy Al Baldasaro (who said Hillary Clinton should be “put in the firing line and shot for treason”), Wacky Jeffrey Lord, and Lyin’ Kellyanne Conway (she of the perennial “you’ll have to ask him yourself” knowing full well nobody can). Why not The Donald himself? You afraid it will kill the ratings for the debates? Believe me, they’d go through the roof. Believe me.

Happy Donald cradling his penis substitute with his tiny hands

Okay, so why not The Invisible Man, Campaign CEO Stephen K. Bannon, of Breitbart fame?

Bannon is down in the Secret Bunker, watching child porn and eating day-old Thai food

He has the best prejudices, folks, he is racist bigly! A YUGE racist! Donald’s got all the best words and all the best racists. He knows more about racism than the racists!

An article in US News and World Report earlier this year said, bigly:

NEW YORK (AP) — In television news, a telephone interview is typically frowned upon. Donald Trump’s fondness for them is changing habits and causing consternation in newsrooms, while challenging political traditions.

It’s easy to see why Trump likes them. There’s no travel or TV makeup involved; if he wishes to, Trump can talk to Matt Lauer without changing out of his pajamas. They often put an interviewer at a disadvantage, since it’s harder to interrupt or ask follow-up questions, and impossible to tell if a subject is being coached.

The upside of this, ’cause every mud puddle has a silver lining, folks, is that we don’t have to look at Cheeto-Faced McTinyhands.

Man, I almost threw up just pasting in this image
You know what I’d like to see, guys? Crooked Donald being asked the tough questions, the tough, tough questions, you know, the kind of YUGE questions newspeople are supposed to ask, okay? Yeah, those questions are hard to remember because Crooked Donald has a mandate to say at least fifty insane things a day. He makes the best deals with your subconscious, you can’t keep up with the insane things, and they’re sexy, they’re soooo sexy when you’ve only got two minutes of news between each twenty minutes of Humera ads and Ford Fusion spots. The guy’s got the best brain, I’m telling you, folks, he knows when something bad for him will happen! So? Crazy McTinyhands does something wacky, and I mean WACKY, the same day. Visit an African American church, go on Dr. Oz, say people should be shot. BANG! Wall to wall coverage! The other stuff, who cares, it’s boring. Strictly PBS Newshour, am I right? Hillary’s a snooze.

You know what, folks? The real reporters, like Kurt Eichenwald or David Farenthold, get a few minutes on cable news okay? But the rotating slew of news analysts and Trump surrogates are on so much they have cots set up in the break room, people tell me.

Yeah, he has the best words, but how about we see Crooked Donald confronted face-to-bright orange my God what even IS that color face about:

  1. The audit letter. Tells you whether or not the super-secret taxes (which, I’ve been told by many people, you wouldn’t believe it, are in a lead box hidden in the foundation of Trump Tower) were audited, and when, and if the audit is finished. Don’t ask Nazi Donald Jr or Frozen Ivanka or that one, the less-cute blonde who cries a lot in her room, Tiffany.
  2. Among the many Russian ties, what about when the Trump Organization registered the Trump name in 2008 as a trademark for projects in Moscow, St. Petersburg and Sochi? (source, Newsweek.com)
  3. Supporters punching old ladies, manhandling female reporters and throwing female protestors into chairs? Yeah, maybe it’s sexist to ask about that, okay, but you know, it’s something, it’s something, you know, folks.
  4. What all the laws the Trump Foundation is breaking? Yeah, folks, he’d lie his wrinkled ass off, but hey, you gotta ask, right? And keep asking ’til you’re blue in the face. There’s something going on.

Okay, Crooked Donald will lie so much Politifact will explode, but you gotta do it, the best people, people you wouldn’t believe, tell me it’s hard. It’s true, so hard the ghost of Edward L. Murrow came to me last night and said, “Elisa, this whole thing is failing, it’s failing, and you know why? The news media is weak, okay? If I was still alive I would punch Phil Griffin and Jeff Zucker in the face, I would. Listen, I’m outta here, I need a cigarette.”

You know what else you can do, while you’re waiting for Crooked Donald’s campaign not to return your calls? Instead of putting on that moron “Says who?” Michael Cohen on — yeah, he’s good for a viral video — how about finding out if the actual fucking LAW is going to do anything about all this YUGE stuff? The Secret Service? IRS? Anybody? The Russian hackers, yeah, they’re good, they have the best cybers, but they’re not gonna help you, I don’t know but people have told me.

How about you find out what’s going on? And make Crooked Donald tell us? He has the best words, okay? Do you have the best questions? ’Cause something’s going on.