Dear Self,

For years you've denied and even defended what your abusers did. Thinking what's the point of bringing up the past when everything seems fine already. But that's what you thought. You thought you were fine but you didn't know all those pent-up emotions, frustrations, and traumas would one day kick you hard in the gut. That they'd all come back stronger and chain you once again, with no chance of escaping. You've been silent with your battles for too long and decided to lock all your traumas in a small box, and hide the key deep within your heart where the light won't reach. You've carried this burden for too long so maybe it's time to really face your demons and not put them aside anymore. I know you're tired of running and hiding from your past. I know how badly you want a fresh start but you cannot attain that unless you deal with those painful traumas that you've tried your hardest to forget but can't.

Yes, your relationship with God has helped you carry through all the damage, pain, and depression brought about by your trauma. It may seem like you've forgotten about them because you've kept yourself busy with distractions but that doesn't mean they're not there. You've been denying and dismissing all your bruises and sufferings for years. You're repetitive traumas caused your open wounds from the past to become chronic.

They say time can heal wounds then why aren't yours healed? Is it even healing or are you just covering it up? Can you treat a gunshot or stab wound with a band-aid? How long will you cover it up? How long will you not treat it? How long will you hold up and let it torment you?

I know sometimes you wonder if God really does answer your prayers. You wonder if He's listening to you or if He's even there. Because for so long you've been suffering and you haven't heard a single voice. But if you would base your faith by how He respond to your calls and cries of help, then how little could your faith be? How can you dismiss the times He comforted you when you were at your worst? He was literally the only One whom you relied to—the One who was there when the world turned its back on you. It's odd and unexplainable but when you felt alone and rejected, you felt His presence, as if a gentle breeze comforting you. It might seem too far-fetched and unbelievable to some but you know what you felt at those times. In moments of chaos, darkness, and silence, you felt His warm embrace. You felt the love you don't think you deserve. You may have never heard His voice but you know deep within your heart He's there. Always has been and always will be.

He's the only One who knows all of you—all the sleepless nights, all the hopeless days, all the silent cries, all the mental & emotional breakdowns, depressive episodes, panic attacks, all the pain, the torture, the sufferings, the sunny and cloudy days, the successes and failures, the victories and defeat, and all you've been through. He witnessed it all.

You sometimes ponder if He's even real or not. If maybe He's just a fragment of your imagination, and that you're hallucinating or you made it all up. But you chose to believe He's real. For the first time in your skeptic mind, you didn't asked for proof. In the midst of skepticism, you decided to have faith. Faith that everything you've experienced 'til now is true. Faith that He exists. Faith that He is real.

You know you don't have the answers to all the questions. You don't know why you've gone through all the things you went through, and why you're still experiencing them until now. You don't know if what you're going through is really His plan or if He really has a plan. You don't know whether there will be an end to it or not. You don't know why you're suffering. You don't know a thing and is completely clueless of everything, of what might happen, and what your situation might lead you to, and it's terrifying. But you still trust Him, hoping that He can get you out of this, maybe not today but someday. No matter how long it takes. Call it blind trust but you know it's faith.

I don't know if you'll ever be okay in the future and get over this or not. But I hope you will. You've fought your hardest and continues to fight everyday until now. I hope you'll see the sun once again. I hope you'll be able to smile genuinely and be truly happy someday. I hope you'll overcome this situation and be able to live freely and laugh like you used to. I hope all the pain you've received will blossom into a love that you can give to people who are going through or experiencing the same thing as you.
You know how hard it is being alone and fighting this alone. And I hope through this, you can be kind and helpful to others as well.

Please stop beating and punishing yourself up for the disappointments and failures you did in the past. There are things you can't control, and that's perfectly normal. You've been through a lot and have done enough. Cut ties with your abusers and from people who make your life a living hell. You deserve the mental and emotional peace you long for. It's time to rest your shattered, damaged soul, and let Him do His part as you do yours in healing the wounds of your past. Forgive yourself. You deserve to be treated right. You deserve healing. You deserve peace. You deserve the love you think you don't. You deserve the best and don't ever, ever settle for less. When exhausted, just rest.

I hope you will always remember this. You are appreciated. You are cared for. You are worthy. You are loved. You are not alone in this battle. You are not a victim, you are a survivor.

I hope someday you can be completely freed from all the shackles that are holding you captive so you can finally see the light because I know in these moments, all you see is pain, darkness, despair, and hopelessness.

Every single step you take, no matter how slow the progress, still takes you further than you were yesterday. You are doing your best everyday and I'm proud of you. Keep going!

Love,

Yourself

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— she freely expresses herself through writing

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Elisha Jehiel David

Elisha Jehiel David

— she freely expresses herself through writing

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