Thursday Night, August 9, 1945
Three days have passed without a letter from you & to say the least I’m kinda blue. Guess I have to blame it on the postal service once again. We had a U.S.O. show at the base the other nite, three performers in all & not bad considering the fact that the theater & audience were small. One of the girls, an acrobat who displayed her talents in no uncertain manner was sky high in liquor having consumed a half pint of rye before she performed! I later learned that she really cut loose with some African jive just for their benefit, that I would like to have seen for I do appreciate a good artist.
Honey, I miss you so darn much & it continues to grow in intensity with the passing of each day. Some times I wonder how long it will be before I get home to see you again & then the loneliness is ever so more noticeable. I guess the only thing to do is wait but it is harder than you can imagine. I may not write this in every letter, however the same feeling prevails. For now, good night, dear.
Oooh Papa, I appreciate a good artist too! Is it you who I get this from? I always knew we had a special connection, always loved you so so much, I remember speaking at your funeral. It just seemed so natural. I wish you were here so we could talk. I feel more present in myself as a woman then I ever have before. I look back on all of our interactions when I was younger and still so insecure. Now, as I approach my 40th birthday this summer, I feel WHOLE. Alive. Beautiful. Confident. Powerful. Certain.
I feel you with me. I’ve felt your spirit with me ever since you passed away. I felt you visiting me in the years after you passed. And then the visits stopped. And now…you’re back. Orchestrating this whole thing.
The letters. Ahh….the letters.
Reading them each morning is bringing so much up. I remember the first time I felt real, deep, piercing love. I was 15 years old. Felt it so strongly, I would literally touch the center of my chest often and needed to take a deep breath. I felt it again with my camp boyfriend a few years later. And…well, I haven’t had THAT feeling since.
Of course there have been many men since then, boyfriends, flings, things, adventures, some I look back on so fondly and dearly, others I look back on not so fondly. But none of them, gave me THAT feeling.
I remember when I was younger with my two loves, I felt that I could be locked inside a closet with them forever, and I would be happy. Just us. Giggling and kissing and never running out of things to say. I felt so content. It’s been years since I’ve felt this and I’m ready, finally ready to have this again.
Did my heart close to true love at 17? I often feel as though my heart is so open it could envelop the whole Universe. When I feed helpless animals, give a smile or money to strangers in need, see my dog Lillee so happy and in bliss her tail goes around and around in circles. A sunset, the ocean, a beautiful flower, a well and delicious cooked meal. These things evoke a deep bursting feeling of love within my being.
Sometimes the thought of a relationship it scares me. My life has been an exciting kaleidoscope of experiences. Having spent most of my 20s and early 30s running around New York City and Los Angeles, living a crazy, wild, fast life, I’ve spent the past few years very quiet. At home. Cozy. Building a new business, lots of time cooking, listening to music and in front of the fireplace. I’ve spent a lot of time alone and I love it! Cherish it. Crave it. How is my alone time going to fit in, in a relationship?!
Papa, I wish you were here so we could talk about these things. I feel so much momentum happening in my life right now, like a beautiful rushing stream that is going going going. And I’m trying my very best to stay relaxed so I can go with it.
I love you so much, I miss you so much and I am so grateful for all that you are guiding right now. Grammy is doing so well, she’s smiling a great big blissful smile lately, that of a teenager. Falling in love with you all over again through the letters….
And me, well I’m waking up each day and reading one of your love letters. I’m photocopying them and putting them in the mail to Grammy each week.
Each time at the mail box I shut my eyes and kiss the envelope and send it off to her with so much grace and I also send them out into the Universe to my Beloved. Mmmm the journey. This journey of life that’s been so sweet, so intense, so full on. I’m open, I’m open to all that is to be revealed, and if the past juiciness of my life is any indicator, the next chapter…well, I’m ready. So ready.
Thank you Papa. Thank you.