The problem with “no thank you” is that it’s not always safe for a woman to say it to a man who wants her attention. Some men simply will not take “no” for an answer, and their reactions can range from redoubling their efforts to shooting us in the face. Very, very few men will actually shoot us in the face if we turn them down — but here’s the thing: We don’t know who they are until they actually get violent, and by that point, it’s too late.

Yes, sometimes we lie to men to spare their feelings. But much of the time, that decision is based on fear, not tender-heartedness. Where do you think the phrase “no means no” came from? We have that saying because some men interpret “no thank you” as “keep trying.” A woman who fails to firmly refute a man’s advances and is later sexually assaulted by that man will inevitably be accused of “leading him on.”

Not too long ago, I started a new job forwhich the onboarding process included orientation seminars with the heads of each department in the company. Everything was going great until we got to the VP of sales (because of course it was sales), who compared his role to hitting on a woman in a bar, being turned down, and not giving up until her “no” turned into “yes” after a few more drinks. He summed up this process by saying, “Sales is just like dating!”

No it’s not. Pestering a stranger until she’s exhausted and/or drunk enough to sleep with you is not “dating.” It can be a lot of things, up to and including “date rape,” but it sure as hell isn’t romance. I’m guessing the girl you saw at the bar was well aware of the difference, probably thanks to painful personal experience.

Is it possible that she was just conflict-averse or even a manipulative jerk who only cared about herself? Yes, but I don’t think that’s the usual reason for that sort of ploy. Women learn early and often that men who think they’re entitled to sex can be dangerous. It’s not a fun lesson, and it tends to leave scars.

Simply put, this is a very different conversation once you put it into the context of rape culture.