My father was the first man to break my heart.
Normally it’s someone else who does this first, but not for me. My parents divorced when I was 2, and growing up as a child of divorce was not easy. Constantly going back and forth to court and you would think that the grown ups would talk about it but instead I was the messenger. As well as being an only child I would always find out everything that was going on. I never exactly knew why my mother left although I had some idea that it was due to my dad loving to control and play mind games. Which I later discovered that the very same was happening to me. Looking back on my childhood now I can see how wrong things were with my relationship with my father. He loved giving me hope and quickly taking it away. I distinctly remember from a young age of 4 my dad telling me he was going to pick me up this weekend so I could spend time at his place. Only for me to be waiting by the window an hour or 2 after he was meant to be there and mum having to tell me “daddy isn’t coming this weekend” him giving the excuse “there is to much traffic” or “my back hurts I’ve been in bed all day”. Yet he was all fine and dandy a few hours ago and the regular traffic report comes up on the news and all roads to my house were clear. So from a young age I was already beginning to learn disappointment and that I couldn’t always trust what people said. My mind then takes me to when I was 8, in this time I began to realise that every card or drawing that I made for my dad he never kept. Instead I would come back the next weekend and there would be a pile on my bed or in my draw the drawing or card that I had given to him. I felt like I needed to try harder, I felt as though I needed to somewhat impress my own father as an 8-year-old! He still continued through out my child hood skipping our weekends and this lead me to the conclusion that maybe if I behaved better or liked the things that he liked he would somehow love me more and want to spend more time with me. I never as a child felt like I was a good enough daughter for my dad I constantly felt I had to try. By the time I was 14 this is basically when sh#t hit the fan. I remember one night when dad came to pick me up I got into the car and we began to drive back to his place. Less then 5 minutes into our drive my dad said to me “I’m engaged” of course I thought he was joking as he was always a prankster. He chuckled and said “no I’m serious” and stretched out his hand to show a plain gold band around his finger. I was in complete disbelief and still doubted that he was genuinely serious. But he showed me a Thai women and the ring he had also brought for her and told me we would skype her when we got home. I was in utter shock to say the least. My father has had a few ladies and even a wife (ex wife) through my life time but I always knew about them. I asked how long he had been seeing this women and he said “a year”. I couldn’t believe it, my dad had kept a secret like this for an entire year only to tell me he was now happily engaged and going to marry this women that I had never met. At first I was happy for him I really was and when Christmas came around so did my dad’s fiancé who I would be meeting in person for the first time. She was a lovely women who spoke English well kind of but still was learning. It took me a bit to understand her through her Thai accent but I got there. Now here is something I will never ever forgive my father saying to me, I remember what happened like it was yesterday. I was sitting watching TV with my dad and his fiancé brought in some drinks and food for us, this is a Thai women who is shorter then me and I’m only 5,3 and I weigh between 47–48kg I’m actually 2 kg underweight but I have a fast metabolism so there isn’t a lot I can do about that. My father stated how his fiancé was only 39–40kg! I know right but that’s just her make and she is in perfect health. My father then turned to me and asked how much I weighed, I told him thinking nothing of it. He then tells his 14 year old daughter “ geez Lizzy you shouldn’t be that much you should at least be 41–40 kg”. My mouth dropped wide open. I couldn’t believe my own father was telling me to lose weight when I was perfectly healthy and in a healthy weight range. But to compare me to his tiny Thai bride! I was hurt beyond belief and absolutely furious. I remember going to my room straight away and trying not to cry. Christmas holidays passed and life was normal and boring as always. Until my dad decide to move. When I say move I mean move country’s. I never thought he would go through with because well I thought who could leave their only child behind to start a new life in a different country. Wouldn’t he miss me? He ended up moving to Thailand anyways. This was personally one of the worst times of my life. I couldn’t understand I felt abounded, unloved and like I wasn’t good enough. I felt as though I was a failure of a daughter because even my own father didn’t care if he would see me or not. When I expressed how I felt on him moving he simply turned around and said “don’t you want me to be happy”. After that comment I felt as though I was guilty and selfish because I wanted my dad to stay. Its been 3 years since he moved. I know this may sound pathetic and there are people out there who don’t have parents or in worse situations than I was in. But for me I struggled and still struggle with this mentally and emotionally because I can not bring myself to trust any man. And its going to take me a long time to get through all of it. This is only some of the things that have happened but these happenings have emotionally, mentally even physically shaped who I am forever. What you go through as a child shapes who you are, what you do, how you act, how you love and how you see the world for the rest of your life. My father was the first man to break my heart.