Freedom at last.

Ella Anne Kociuba
Feb 1, 2018 · 4 min read

This is my story, this is the truth.

I am shaking as I write this, trembling really. I’ve been a huge ball of anxiety over this for a week but I’m finally ready to be free of this weight. The other day, I suddenly realized what was a contributor to my sadness and I couldn’t stop thinking of it, my brain kept venturing into my typical day dreaming and I envisioned speaking about it.. Going public for the first time in four years… My body began to shake, tremble, my mouth was dry and the tears fell to the floor. I understood I needed to speak up… not just for myself but for so many others.

From then on all week it made sense to me despite my anxiety and fear over doing this, but this pain is incredibly unhealthy for me to live in and I started understanding what my true purpose in life is and that is to help heal others.

I always knew I would be great enough to tell my story. And well, somehow my life just so happened to get set up for me to become some type of platform and with that, I believe in being a responsible influencer and I understand I should be as real as I can because in real life that’s really me. Now, being real doesn’t mean being perfect, it means understanding that you are art and also the artist.

I’ve gone back and forth for years about doing this but I would like to make a serious note, I truly do not want to see slander on my page about them as individuals or their brand (I’m not going to encourage this by any means), I understand myself how cruel it was (oh trust me) and the damage it’s done to me but my intentions of doing this video isn’t because I want to bash them, I want to truly help everyone see that you truly do have a choice in how life effects you. I have fallen many times and by my own hands as well but you can be graceful when you struggle… That if I can go through all this and come out still shinning and find love for myself again and again and again and if I don’t have it?! I will create it… I want my strength to strengthen you. I want my courage to empower you. I want my bravery to inspire you to live. I want my transparency to help you find commitment to yourself and to be yourself.. Damn man, that alone gets me psyched for helping people out there who share my demons or something similar.

It is also fair to note that there was clearly a misunderstanding between the two of us and I wish it was discussed in a completely different manner but what happened cannot be taken away, it lives with me but I don’t want it anymore.. So I guess here this goes, here’s my story leading up to this point and here’s the truth about what happened between Rob Bailey (Flag Nor Fail) and I back in 2014.

I want to take a moment to also thank this company despite what occurred for giving me such a start to my career and an opportunity I dreamed of when I was younger, but I cannot bare the damage that happened no more.

Also note, this is a video over my life thus far- so If you’re only here cause of the situation I am opening up about, please understand that I am telling a lot about my life, so this video is a bit long, ahhhhh…..

Well.. I’ve barred my soul for all to see.. I will be MIA for a couple of hours. I will have to go to the river to be by myself with nothing else but my dogs, so please forgive me for not getting back to you fast. I have a lot to process and feel leave me. I want to thank those who have helped me find the courage to do this, I couldn’t even start with the names, but I want each and every single person to know, I love you deeply, you have helped me become whole again. Thank you for filling me up and supporting me during my darkness, I’m just so happy to already feel alive in parts of me I haven’t felt in years, the day I did this video was very difficult but afterwards I laid there for an hour feeling quiet and at peace, but then suddenly I got extremely hyper and I was skipping, singing, crying, and giggling. It’s amazing, I was healing myself. I am truly mending, I have fully accepted who I am and want to forgive Rob and myself. I want to have peace but I also want this to never happen to anyone else.

I’ve found love for myself and now I feel so unstoppable. I’ve been for years all along but now I know her, I understand her, and I love her. I will be gentle to her. Now that I’m here, I have to get rid of this weight on me as I grow into the woman I truly do love now and boy does it feel good!!

I’ve lived in years of hiding this pain and thinking I was wrong, wondering why I wasn’t good enough. Thinking that masking over what really happened was the right thing to do but I realize now, that THIS is the right thing to do.

Thank you.

#EveryLifeLovesAgain

#ThisBodyIsLoved

Written by

Eat peanut butter, do squats. Chop wood, run in mud. I do wicked shit.

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