I always have known I would be great, shit, I wanted it so badly I almost lost my life trying to achieve it just a few years ago, 2013 to be exact. I had a fork lost in my throat at one point because back then shoveling forks down my throat in order to empty out my stomach was a daily necessity but on this particular day, I grew sloppy and tired in my craft. I lost grip of the fork in my throat and just like that, in an instant I saw how the news of my death was going to affect everyone around me.. And I knew immediately, I didn’t want it anymore.
Somehow I retrieved the fork from my throat with my stomach acid covered fingers, there was piss in my pants, vomit on my shirt, and I sat there sobbing, telling myself ‘never again Ella, Never. Never. Ever. Again…’ and two hours later, I was there.. With that damn fork again.
I mean, you’re either all in or all out, right? Ahhh- ha ha..
It sounds crazy to write these things out, to admit such dark, twisted things about myself, that I was so dedicated to this ‘art’ of self-control and destruction, that it nearly killed me and somehow, that didn’t phase me.
So, let me ask you,
Have you ever desired something so badly that even just your work ethic alone has driven you to complete and utter madness? You ache just be the absolute best you could ever be, all the time? No days off? 24/7 you are and must always be, perfection?
I got tired of reconstructing and demolishing my body, mind, and spirit every single hour of every single day, it wore me out to such an extent that I felt ready to die.
Healing myself has been interesting, I still find out there’s wholes in my heart and there’s this sudden death grip around my throat, I loose my voice and I cannot seem to handle the feeling of being out of control.
But as I’ve grown more and more into who I am, I’ve also gotten tired of something else.
I’m tired.
Tired of waking up every morning with this ache in my chest, with my mind speeding up at just the thought of it and I cannot stop thinking about it either, this idea in my head is absorbing me, it’s as if I have no more oxygen when I realize how much I need to accomplish it, yet somehow, I cannot seem to execute it properly and this pains me to realize what my purpose is and not live it (yet). But now I’m just gunna do it, plain and simple, ‘Just do it,’ thank you Nike.
I know this hunger and it will eat me if I’m not ready for it.
I have so much potential inside of me it almost hurts me every day.
And I say this with much joy because I truly thrive off becoming better and I remember the last time I felt this hungry; it was back in 2011 when I started the journey of making a name for myself as an endurance athlete.
But this time, I’m a better me.
CAUSE I LOVE ME.
And well, you see, I just gotta do this, this is what I’m supposed to be doing with my life, I truly believe I’ve figured my purpose out; it is to not only to educate and stand for us warriors but to also motivate others into fighting the good fight; to be their own hero.
What’s the good fight you say? The one against yourself.
My mind is set on changing the world and if not the whole world, I do in fact know that my voice will help change one world for the better and that’s all I really want to do anymore.
I’m very excited about this.
Ever since I was a young girl I have struggled with mind to body connection, growing up in a body that not only disabled me, but also taught me how to improperly and properly neglect my emotions along with my true voice which in return set me up perfectly to struggle. But, in the exact same breath, it also prompted me into discovering just exactly who I was and what I want to do with her.
I’ll forever be grateful for my struggles.
I learned how to live in survival mode real fast, I grew up in chronic back pain and I’m not just saying, ‘ouch my back aches, someone rub me’ either, I truly mean it, my pain was and still can be crippling. I was in and out of doctors almost religiously by the time I was twelve years old, I was fed heavy narcotics just so I could somehow make it through the day, I wore a hard back brace that went from my pelvic bone to my pubic bone, I was barely able to attend school, I was in a wheel chair.. Shit, I was even declared to never be an athlete again.
The fire inside me as a child turned into static.
My mind was never truly present with my body and that is something that not has only cursed me but has also blessed me.
I always envied things such as nature and animals for their fortitude in adapting and their effortless ability to ‘just be’. I can remember watching the grass in the fields at my favorite park when I would spend countless hours crying and thinking of how I could’ve been different. Why can I not bend with the wind like the grass does? And then my head would start spinning……
How could I have stopped this?
Can I even change my ways?
Why do I have this eating disorder?
How come I just can’t be ‘normal’?
Why do I have to deal with these forever taunting voices in my head?
What have I done to myself?
Who am I to bulimia?
Can I ever be better?
Will this end?
I often wrote, “you can do better, try harder.”
But trying harder isn’t the answer.
In my first book, I wrote a quote that I would like to breakdown for a quick minute:
“Whether I see it or not, my strive for ‘greatness’ is also the same route as self-abuse.”
I came to later learn that ‘trying harder’ in everything doesn’t work out like you think it will and it’s also not the best advice out there to give to one another due to the harsh fact that ‘trying harder’ has unfortunately evolved into neglecting one’s intuition and thriving only to achieve unrealistic goals rather than learning to be present through the process. So, I say, instead of just trying harder why don’t we just try to learn? Is it because it means we have to stop to process things that might make us uncomfortable immediately rather than years later?
When you’re taught to never settle, reinforced not to be satisfied with your progress, and your target goal is to be perfect you will simply loose grip on reality, which ultimately leads up to you loosing yourself in these expectations whether it is self-inflicted or society based. Try harder, try harder, try harder…. But of course, you want to be great just as bad as you want to breathe, right? So that means you’re willing to do anything and everything possible to achieve it, am I correct?
Here’s my two cents and then some: you must balance the powerful desire of being perfect and the undeniable truth of being realistic at the same time; do not get discouraged, this is all doable but it must be reinforced everyday of your life in every way. Also, being extreme is fine, after all I am still an extreme person to this day but you cannot stick to the typical extreme junkie definition, which in simple is; ‘you’re either all in or all out’.
Black or white.
But life is colorful.
You should connect with all the good and the bad in order to fully appreciate yourself and one of the first steps in doing that is allowing yourself to see all the colors in your world.
You see, we all have our own separate worlds, our own colors, and our own grounds in which we stand upon and all of us possess our very own unique identity. We should being embrace ourselves more and encouraging others to do the same.
Alright, geezzzzze, so I should just wrap this up, I hope I haven’t rambled too much… I’ll just spit this out real quick and simple:
I am creating my own clothing line, I am designing everything and right now I am just in production, the garments I am designing range from beautiful intimates, crazy strapped-fun sports bras, crop tops, hoodies, skirts, fanny packs… blasé blasé blah, I can’t give away everything but there’s plenty of fun ‘Ella-inspired gear.’
(Right now I am mostly saving money so I can start up the real fun stuff but at first I will be releasing some of my designs on crop tops (soon).)
I’ve been working on this for months now, I spend majority of my time dedicated to drawing, working, researching, designing, looking up fabrics, writing business plans, studying financing and then I was like,
ELLA JUST GET YOUR SHIT OUT THERE, YOU DAMN PERFECTIST, TELL THE WORLD YOU’RE ON THE HUNT FOR YOUR M’FREAKIN’ DREAMS HAPPEN, GIRL. YOU’RE WASTING YOU’RE ENERGY, YOU GOT THE JUICE!
I was too concentrated on trying to get everything real fucking perfect before I announced what I was even doing…
But then suddenly, something happen to my life that made me feel even more moved to just leap. It was a Tuesday, I had just came into work at the spa (I’m a part-time massage therapist) and my mother told me to call her.
Her voice killed me, she had a soft, beautiful crackle to it, the withholding of tears in her breath as she told me the news, my mother has breast cancer.
I froze.
I was standing there in my room, with a full schedule of four back to back clients and the only thing I could seem to say back to her was,
okay, this is going to be good, you’re going to be okay. you’re going to be okay.
I could feel the tears coming.
Once we got off the phone I broke down, I didn’t know what to do, I began to do that terrible choke like cry, and so I ran out to the pool area and the cries exploded from my mouth. My cries echoed throughout the room, I wasn’t even bothered that the woman jumping in the pool stopped and starred at me awkwardly. I just fell to my knees and sobbed.
Please, no.
I couldn’t seem to process the news, I was there for the biopsy and all of that, we knew she was being tested but I just kept thinking, it wasn’t a big deal.. And now it was real and we had to deal with it.
I tried to finish my day out at work but failed to do so, I cried throughout my two first clients sessions.. It was miserable, I just couldn’t seem give to anyone, it felt so terrible for me, I was shriveling up inside aching for some type of comfort. I left work immediately after my second client and sat in the tub once I got home for maybe 15 minutes and if anyone knows me, despite my love for bubble baths, they only last about 7.3 minutes tops.
I just didn’t want this for her.
My mom now is scheduled for surgery August 24th, 2017 at 1:30pm to remove the breast and have reconstructive surgery. They also test the lymph nodes during this procedure which gives us a three day window to know if it has spread anywhere else and if that turns out to be the case, she starts chemotherapy as soon as possible.
I love my mother, she is a rock. This woman is such a beautiful, loving, and beyond giving soul and it messes with me to see her go through so much, however, this is also an extraordinary time for her, she is growing beyond belief. When I watched her at one of the doctor visits, as they discussed the procedures and her options, I admired her. She was delicate but fierce and for the first time than I can remember I felt something inside me wake up.
So here I am, putting this out there, I am working hard to get it going but I don’t have much money, so I’ve been saving five dollars or more every day in my little mason jar in order to start my dreams. My mother’s diagnose woke me up to see that I was wasting my energy again trying to be perfect. When I know all to well myself that the more I just move with the wind the more I can fly and this brand of mine is going to take off across the world. I want to inspire the world to wake up and love themselves, to love their life, to love their family, and their world.
You’re worth it.
And so, with every single piece of art and garment that I sell it not only enables me to help everyone else out there in this world but it allows me to help my family in such a great time of need.
I’m awake and I’m moving towards my dreams.
