External Validation…Why seeking it won’t make you feel better for long.

Don’t let your life choices be determined by other’s opinions. Trying to please people will drain your energy. External validation is a tough subject isn’t it? It feels really good, it makes us feel like we’re doing something right, and it boosts our ego…it’s actually not an inherently bad thing. But here’s the problem… When we rely purely on external validation to feel good, it will always fall flat. It’s important to realise that getting help from others is only one part of the equation. We also need to be able to validate, support, and help ourselves…As much as you might love to say that you’re open-minded, it’s sometimes difficult to hear out people that have contrary opinions. You might find yourself mostly hanging out with people with similar tastes and those who agree with you. You want to have fulfilling relationships and feel loved by friends and family. As per Maslow’s Hierarchy Of Needs (a psychology theory), esteem and love/belonging are an essential component of Human motivation.

Let’s look at social media as an example. We get a certain amount of likes and we feel better in that moment; we experience a certain type of rush. It’s as if we are getting a buzz…almost addictive. But then, we get less likes, or less notifications, or less interactions, and we suddenly wonder what’s wrong with us. We fall into the spiral of self-criticism. We quickly move from from feeling inflated to feeling defeated when we rely on external validation to feel good about ourselves. It not only puts our self-worth in the hands of others, but it takes our own source of empowerment and control away from us. With this in mind, I’ve come up with a few ideas to create a little more balance in my support system, making myself a more central part of it.

If you’re also looking to increase your capacity for self-soothing so you can depend less on validation from others, you may find these ideas helpful:

• Note down the things you’ve done well, the choices you’ve made that you’re proud of, the progress you’ve made and your achievements. When you regularly praise yourself, self-validation becomes a habit you can depend on when you need it the most.
• Maybe you aren’t always looking for advice or opinions. when you go to others with a painful story. Maybe, you’re looking for someone else to see the best in you and believe in you. It’s more important that you give yourself what you’re seeking from them before making that call. The goal isn’t to stop reaching out to others. It’s to be there for yourself. The words you want to hear from someone else will be far more powerful if you fully believe what they’re saying.
• If you’re in the habit of feeling bad about feeling down or insecure, or generally having extreme reactions to emotions, you will inevitably end up feeling stuck and helpless. Get in the habit of telling yourself, “I have a right to feel how I feel.” This will help you understand your feelings and work through them much more easily, because you won’t be so deeply embedded in negativity about yourself. Once you’ve accepted your feelings, you’ll then be free to seek support for the actual problem, not your self-judgement about having to deal with it.
• Many of us didn’t receive the type of love, support, and kindness we needed growing up, and this may have taught us to treat ourselves harshly and critically. When you’re looking for that warm feeling that emerges when someone you trust tells you, “Everything is going to be okay,” imagine yourself saying it to your younger self. Picture that little child who tried so hard, meant no harm, and just wanted to be loved and cherished. This will likely help in deflating your self-criticism and fill you with a genuine sense of compassion for yourself. Once again, this doesn’t need to be an alternative to seeking compassion from others…it just provides a secure foundation from which you’ll be better able to receive that.
• Oftentimes, when we’re feeling down on ourselves, we feel a (sometimes subconscious) desire to punish ourselves. When we reject or deprive ourselves in this way, we exacerbate our feelings, because we then feel bad about the original incident and the pain we’re causing ourselves. If you’re feeling down, or down on yourself, ask yourself: “What does my body need? What does my mind need? What does my spirit need?” What will make you feel better, more stable, healthier, and more balanced?

You may find that you need to take a walk to feel more energised, take a nap to feel better rested, practice deep breathing to clear your head, or drink some water to hydrate yourself. This is validating yourself in action. Whenever you address your own needs, you reinforce to yourself that they are important, regardless of whatever you did or didn’t do previously….One thing has helped me tremendously in validating myself – accepting that it’s okay to need reminders like these. There was a time when I saw this as something shameful, an indication that other people who seemed self-assured were somehow better than me. I wondered why self-kindness didn’t always come instinctively. But when I stopped judging myself, I remembered all the experiences that helped shape my critical inner voice. It wasn’t a sign of weakness that I needed to put in some effort, it was a sign of strength that I was willing to do it. It’s one of life’s great ironies, that it feels so natural to feel bad about feeling bad. All this does is keep us stuck. When we stop blaming ourselves for having room to grow, we’re free to focus our energy on doing it.

Ella McCrystal – Clinical Psychotherapist/Hypnotherapist & Business Owner

www.ella-hypnotherapist.com