Exactly Why I’m Not Successful

I recently attended a class by a woman whose field I share and whose work I admire: She is by any metric more successful than I am, and I went to find out why. Was she lucky when I was not? Was she better connected, better disciplined — simply better?
It is rare, I think, that we get exactly what we are looking for, especially when what we are looking for is an answer. In this case, though, I did.
At one point in her lecture, she laid out her priorities during one period of her career. I do not remember the order of most of them — family, home, children, and so on — but I do remember what was at the top.
Work.
I was surprised at her candor. I have never done that. Or I have in the past — probably the thing that allowed me to walk some of the same ground she did, albeit it at a lower elevation — but it was many years ago. Here are things I often prioritize over work: travel, friends, love, my plants, reading, eating, working out. I do not always prioritize these other things over work, but I often do, and when I do not, I am usually regretful for it.
I asked myself: What do I put before anything else, consciously or unconsciously? What do I say: This, before that? And I realized it is not — as much as I might have preferred it — love, or friends, or reading, or eating or working out, but the item that came first on that original list: travel. And I am a very good traveler. I have travel accomplishments that make other people sit up and take notice, just as she has her work accomplishments.
This equation may seem clear to you, and it seems clear to me, now, but in the moment, it was a revelation. And then I thought about what kind of life I create for myself, when I choose travel over all things. An exciting one, usually. A lonely one, sometimes. What I realized most of all, though, is that I choose it. And I realized, similarly, that we are, most of us, choosing our successes, or what we are best at. If you choose your children again and again — over your partner, your job, your education, your work — and you are dedicated to the task (you observe your successes, your failures, you tweak your approaches — you work at it) you are probably a better parent than most. If you choose your work, you are probably good at your work. If you choose fucking around, you are probably really good at fucking around.
What I discovered is that rather than being victims of chance, or connections, or luck, I had set my course. I chose it. And to excel at my work, I would have to choose differently, every day, in a hundred little ways. In how many ways do I prioritize travel over work? In ways large (limiting myself to remote positions because I want to live abroad) to small (hurrying through an assignment because I had chosen to take a long, meandering walk through my neighborhood after lunch).
But I am not a victim. I choose. And knowing that I had chosen my current reality gave me a new sense of power over where I go next in life. How will my life be different if I prioritize finding a new partner? Maybe it would mean I spend my money on new clothes, or makeup (or therapy) rather than on a plane ticket. Instead of taking off for three weeks in South America in October, I could spend three weeks at home, going on Tinder and OkCupid dates. I could sit at bars. I could ask friends to set me up on dates. I could reach out to people I find interesting.
But I won’t. Oh, I might. But I’d rather go to a beach, in Uruguay, and read a book, then go on an OkCupid date — or, obviously, sit on a conference call, and that decision is mine to make, mine to own, and mine to measure.
What do you prioritize, above all things, consciously or unconsciously? What is your This before that?
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