I Loved Him Once (con’t)

But we talked. Like two people who’ve shared history do. I couldn’t shake the small tremors that were racing through me at our proximity, but I ignored them. Paused or smiled each time he’d ask a question to gather my composure. His face was so open, still so appealing. I kept my sunglasses on so I could mask what I was thinking. I was remembering when I used to hold it in my hands. Examine it close up. Press it to mine. We hit a lull, but it wasn’t awkward. We smiled, sipped our drinks, looked at the bar. He had ordered me a bourbon without asking. I hadn’t protested. Maybe I was just happy he remembered. I took a breath.

“Do you ever think-” I started but cut myself off. Behind him and fast approaching was a beautiful girl. She looked expectant and she was smiling and my gut told me she was there to see him.

“Do I ever think what?” He asked, a second before unknown gorgeous girl covered his eyes and cooed, “guess who?” He jumped off his stool. “Oh hey, hey! Melissa!” He looked at me while he hugged her. “Melissa this is Jill,” he said extricating himself from the hug and gesturing in my general direction.

“Hi! I’m Melissa,” she flashed perfect white teeth at me, not the slightest tone of insincerity shadowing her voice. She didn’t know who I was, I immediately concluded. Or she was that unicorn of perfect self esteem, confidence and security. The kind of girl we always assume our ex-boyfriends end up with. Better than us in all ways possible.

“It’s really nice to meet you,” I smiled back, feeling the familiar flash of hurt in stomach. Tempered by all the years that had passed, but unfortunately resurrected by her existence right in front of me. “Well I was just leaving,” I hedged.

“No, don’t leave!” She instantly said while pulling up a chair for herself. “Matthew has always said such nice things about you.”

Shit. She did know who I was.

I looked at him, he smiled vaguely without making eye contact.

“Oh well, don’t believe a word!” Ew. I had turned into lame joke person. Why had I let this Victoria Secret model turn me into someone who made dad jokes. Gross. Focus Jill. Stay calm until you can get the hell out of here.

It wasn’t so bad at first. We chatted about the weather, what new restaurant had opened on Sullivan Street, whether the L Train construction would ruin our lives. But I watched the way his hand rested familiarly on her knee. How he’d squeeze it once in awhile and she’d smile knowingly and small pieces of my heart would break off and disintegrate. An hour passed that felt like three, and I made a big show of feigning surprise while looking at my phone.

“I’m gonna be late!” I exclaimed. “It was great to run into you Matt. So nice to meet you Melissa.” I gathered my jacket and bag ready for a quick getaway. She grabbed him in a bear hug as I tried to exit.

“It was SO good to meet you! I hope I get to see you again soon.” She smiled warmly at me. I offered a weak one in return.

“Sounds good.”

Matt didn’t reach for me and I raised my hand in a brief wave and pressed my lips together while we locked eyes.

“Jill.” He nodded.

“Matt.”

I walked away wondering if I glanced back would I witness even more physical affection than a hand on a knee. But I chose not to look. I didn’t want to know.

Woodenly I walked home. Thinking. Unable to remember if he had once looked at me the way he now looked at this girl. Had laid his hand on me in public casually claiming me as his own. Why did it even matter after all this time? I pushed through the door to my building, propped open by the lazy shits in Apartment 1C and took the stairs two at a time to the third floor.

Shaking my head, trying to cast off the morose feeling that had come over me from the day’s turn, I dug for my keys in the bottom of my bag. Dropped them twice and realized my hand was still shaking ever so slightly. I leaned my head on the door to my apartment and closed my eyes for a minute.

“Get your shit together Jill.” I muttered. As I straightened up, the door swung inward.

“Ahhhhhh!” I screamed falling forward. Into two strong arms that steadied me.

“You’re home!” I heard as I grasped onto him.

It was Jonathan. My boyfriend. Yes I have one. Don’t you judge me.

As he pulled me back up for a kiss hello, I felt a flash of sadness and guilt. I kissed him back with a little more fervor than usual to block it out.

“Mmmm well hello to you too,” he grinned down at me. I brushed his messy dark hair off his forehead and kissed him again.

“I love you,” I said seriously. He squeezed me hard, tight to his body and I felt myself blinking back tears. I wanted him to hold me even tighter, press all the pain of the day out of me, and watch it float away like dust particles in the sun. Meaningless and fleeting.

“I love you too,” I heard him say muffled into my shoulder. “How was your day?”

I couldn’t think of an answer.