Sound the clarion!
Lon Shapiro

*Glass crashing, wine spilling all over the Emperor’s organic 100% recyclable sandals* Gutbloom!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!! I WILL AVENGE YOU!

You killed him! Now who’s going to inflate my Medium ego? You little sandalwood-smelling bitches will pay for this! I’m coming down there! Excuse me, I need to get through. Okay, hold on. Wait, I just, *stepping in front of other seated people like when you’re at the movies and have to pee* okay, I’m coming, just, wait a little bit, move your leg, wait, okay if I just *accidentally straddles the good people of*, hey-o, hold up…


*Hurriedly waddling onto arena* Phew, okay, I’m here. Yo Hardy! B. Hard! Your life hacks are about to get life SMACKED. No, I’m not your goddamned waitress, stop looking for a name tag!

J. Wes, I’m coming for you too, don’t think hiding behind Hardy will protect you! I’m going to take all your productivity and shove it up- *Jon bursts into loud sobs* Oh yikes, okay. I’m sorry. That’s enough now. I, I didn’t mean it kid. What’s that smell? Oh. Jon’s soiled himself, oh no- Ben stop trying to tip me, I DON’T ACCEPT LOOSE CHANGE-

Like what you read? Give Ellie Guzman a round of applause.

From a quick cheer to a standing ovation, clap to show how much you enjoyed this story.