Links to My Medium Posts
One day when I’m an old lady and Medium creates some kind of directory/archive feature we’ll all laugh together around a bonfire on top of a spaceship.
Favorites
Internet Users Leave Asinine Comments on Blog Posts, Have Best Climaxes of Their Lives
Please Give Me This Horrible Soul-Sucking Job
8 Sexual Positions for Underachievers
The Time I Was The Weird Kid At An Event With Bryan Cranston and George Clooney
Tell Me What You Did Today, And I’ll Spit Right In Your Ugly Face
Complete Archive
November 2015
What’s My Body Type Again? — A humorous take on body image and the absurdity of body types (hourglass, pear, noose, etc.)
January 2016
8 Sexual Positions for Underachievers — One of my favorite satirical pieces I’ve written
February 2016
10 Things You Should Be Doing Daily To Remain Mediocre Scum — Lifehack satire
9 Clickbait Headlines for the Soul (You Won’t Believe Number 7!)— Part one of my clickbait writing exercise
Please Give Me This Horrible Soul-Sucking Job — Workplace satire, also featured on The Huffington Post (horn tooting)
The Pen(is) Name Guide — An explanation into how “Ellie Guzman” happened
An Open Letter to L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti and Police Chief Charlie Beck — Making fun of this guy
Tell Me More About How Much You Hate Millennials, You Old Fart — Haters make me famous. Also on HuffPo where people got really riled up in the comments because of course they did
Internet Users Leave Asinine Comments on Blog Posts, Have Best Climaxes of Their Lives — I wonder what this was inspired by (see above)
March 2016
Clickbait Headlines Vol. II: 2 Fast 2 Clickbait — Part two of my clickbait headline writing exercise
10 Thoughts You Have When You’re About to Reach 1k Medium Followers — A little humblebrag
On Smart, Virtuous, Good Women Versus Dumb, Sexual, Bad Women — My first serious piece
Of Course I Know Things About The 2016 Election. I’m Not An Animal!—I think this can be called satire even though I’m totally serious about not knowing anything
A Haiku — Dog autofellatio
An Ode to My Rubio Days — a comedic reflection on my sad days inspired by Marco Rubio’s downfall
Tell Me What You Did Today, And I’ll Spit Right In Your Ugly Face — another lifehack satirical piece inspired by Benjamin Hardy’s piece
Oh God, It’s That Week When Your Friend’s Long Distance Boyfriend Is In Town — satire inspired by my own long distance boyfriend being in town
How to Remove a Post From a Publication on Medium — a little tutorial for people having a hard time with removing posts from publications without deleting them
Date Lunch: A Haiku — that time my boyfriend pooped at a YMCA
Let’s Watch Some Videos of Toddlers Falling Down — Why not?
The Time I Was The Weird Kid At An Event With Bryan Cranston and George Clooney — a tragic true story
April 2016
Welcome to My Relationship — A satirical welcome to those who feel entitled to enter my relationship
May 2016
Just you wait
