Questions for Kids
“…so the pig offered a piece of his meat for the bloke to use as a muscle in his leg. That’s why they call it a hamstring.”
“Cool! Thanks, Dad.”
Kids are inquisitive. Too inquisitive, for Jez’s liking. They ask a lot of questions to which nobody really knows the answers, but if you try to fob them off with an “I don’t know, pet,” they’ll witter on and on and on until you’re about ready to lose your mind.
Jez came up with a solution to this problem. Just make shit up. Easy.
The sky’s blue because the first people on Earth liked the colour, and since then we’ve lost the extra-long paint roller that will reach high enough to repaint it.
Babies come from the hospital gift shop, where they’re manufactured by little elves like in Santa’s workshop.
We need to sleep because the little elves from the hospital gift shop need to do maintenance on our bodies at night, and kids need extra sleep because the elves have extra work to do. Like adding more bones to make them taller.
Stars are holes in the blanket that that is laid over the top of the Earth each night to block out the sun and help us sleep. The elves like to work in the dark.
We can’t eat pizza every day because there’d soon be a world shortage of pizzas; there just aren’t enough pizza plants to cope with daily demand. And on a similar note, we can’t eat ice cream for breakfast because it’ll freeze up the motor oil the elves add to our bodies just before morning comes around.
The internet is a special, magical box that is stored in a top-secret location underneath the city of London. When the WiFi goes down it’s because rats have been nibbling at the cables.
Chicken nuggets are called such because they’re mined by chickens from the walls of special caves. Like gold nuggets, but more delicious.
The microwave is called such because there are yet more elves in there, waving their tiny hands at the food to heat it up with their… with their magical powers.
Bakewell tarts are called such because… well, ‘cos they’re baked incredibly well.
But it all came undone for Jez when he caught his daughter with their chihuahua in her arms, struggling to lob it onto the barbecue.
“What the hell are you doing, Kelly?”
“I want a hotdog, Daddy.”