We Get It, You Vape

Photo by Claudia Ramírez on Unsplash

“You damn hipster,” Olrug said with a sneer.

Xalmun took a long toke on his electronic cigarette and blew plumes of vapour straight into his friend’s face. “It’s better for you.”

“Is it now?”

“Yup. Filters out all those filthy toxins. The dark thoughts. The sins. The impure fantasies.”

Olrug sighed. “But they’re the best parts. They give that nice, bitter burn at the back of your throat. It’s not the same without that kick, y’know?”

Xalmun rolled his eyes. “You gonna put this one out of its misery?”

The human that was clutched between Olrug’s long, bony fingers squirmed and whimpered.

“I guess,” Olrug said. He hauled the human up onto its tiptoes than moved his hands to its neck. “You scared?”

The human nodded.


Olrug squeezed. The human’s eyes rolled back in its head, its skin blanched, and a grey-green wisp of cloud emerged from its lips. Olrug sucked greedily at the murky fog, drawing it deep into his lungs, his eyes squeezed shut in pleasure.

The human went limp and Olrug dropped it to floor. He held his breath to the count of ten, exhaled luxuriantly, then coughed and hacked until his horned head throbbed.

“See, that shit’s not good for you,” Xalmun said smugly as he took another drag on his electronic cigarette. “I used to cough like that, but these days? Nothing. Smooth as anything. This little baby makes soul-sucking a breeze. It’s changing the demon world, I’m telling you.”

Olrug hacked up a mouthful of sticky phlegm and spat it onto the ground beside the dead human. “We get it, you vape. Shut up, already.”