Changes are being suggested across the country to improve government benefits programs, from choosing whether the poor are deserving of fresh proteins to deciding whether impoverished children are allowed to visit swimming pools. I, however, think we aren’t going far enough. Every day I see poor people who could be spending their time looking for a job wandering the aisles of Walgreens and CVS willy-nilly, putting frivolous items in their cart and potentially paying with their government benefits. Frankly, it’s insulting to those of us who work for a living. Here is a list of items that I believe should also be banned from purchase for welfare recipients.
Tampons are infinitely more comfortable than stewing in a diaper of your own menstrual secretions, so if poor women are using their government benefits to purchase blood absorption products, they should have to purchase the cheapest, most inconvenient product possible: generic maxi pads. This will also make them think twice about having that abortion, as pregnancy is the #1 way to curtail menstruation.
2. Hot Water
Hot water is a luxury that most taxpayers can barely afford, so why should poor people get to enjoy temperate water? Those on welfare should shower, do laundry, and wash dishes at whatever temperature their water comes out of the faucet. They are lucky enough to have water to begin with. Look at Detroit.
3. Two-Ply Toilet Paper
If the poor were really determined to become upstanding citizens of the United States, they would forego toilet paper entirely, using shopping bags, newspapers and Taco Bell wrappers to save resources. Unfortunately, we as a society cannot expect such innovation from welfare leeches. Instead, they must not be allowed to get comfortable with soft, absorbent bathroom products or they may never dig themselves out of poverty.
4. Soap Products
Soaps are traditionally made from lye and fat. Shampoos, laundry detergents, and other extravagant cleaning agents are for those who have worked for their hygiene and sanitation. To rectify this lack of disparity, each welfare recipient will receive one industrial barrel of lye per household per year and will be expected to make soap from cuttings of their own flesh.
5. Fonts (Other than Times New Roman or Comic Sans)
If the poor are really going to learn that they cannot continue mooching off the taxpayers’ dime, they must have their options restricted in every way, including typesetting. These limited font options will discourage recreational Internet usage, help potential employers identify those who need work the most via resume categorization, and will serve as a subtle warning to honest, hard-working business owners lest they accidentally hire someone who has already proven themselves too lazy for employment by being on welfare.