Grief: The depths of loss with ADHD and ways to cope
It’s been an incredibly sad morning, with the news of my old foster cat passing away and spending all morning blubbering over the memories of that sweet ginger feline and the company he brought us in such a difficult time during the pandemic.
I am no stranger to grief, having experienced many painful losses in my family throughout the years, I’ve always struggled to process and come to terms with the very idea of death’s permanence. Life would carry on, yet my mind would lag behind in an emotional whirlpool, a pendulum swinging from denial to deep sorrow and longing.
Everyone experiences grief of course, and no experiences are any less painful for an individual, each unique in their own memories and sadness. Due to the nature of today’s news, I wanted to explore the sensitivities of grief and explore ways ADHD may affect us differently.
In this week’s article, we’ll delve into the relationship between ADHD and grief, unwrap the sensitivities experienced by individuals with ADHD during the grieving process, discuss and suggest coping strategies, and emphasise the importance of self acceptance and understanding. Reader discretion is advised, this may be triggering for some.
Into the depths of grief
I’ve been reading Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté, a highly reviewed book in the subject of ADHD literature. Maté theorises that ADHD could be developmental in nature due to a person’s sensitivities and how it’s responded to in childhood.
During my own self exploration throughout my twenties, I spent considerable time reading about introversion, highly sensitive personalities and learning meditation practices on how to best cope in times of loss, trying desperately to understand why the pain of loss followed me around like a shadow through every stage of my life.
But after umpteen books, numerous podcasts, listening to and bingeing countless YouTube psychology videos, nothing could prepare me for the shock and gut wrenching pain of loss when it greeted me, unexpectedly and wholly unwelcomed at the door.
Plunged into the depths of sorrow, I wonder will there be a better tomorrow?
Does ADHD affect how we process loss?
ADHD can significantly impact how those of us process loss. Unfortunately, it tends to be the cognitive and emotional aspects of grief that can be more challenging for us.
Difficulties with attention and focus can contribute to the cause, hindering our ability to process and understand the complexities, as well as the permanence of loss. This can lead to feelings of confusion and frustration, and leave us stuck in ruminations for a lot longer than the average grieving process.
Common ADHD symptoms such as impulsivity and hyperfocus can intensify the experience which makes it especially challenging to navigate the stages of loss. Impulsive behaviour and control can lead us to shameful reactivity and doing things we later regret. Acting out can be a common experience for an ADHD’er, and living with the shame afterwards makes it a hard cross to bear.
The sensitivities of grief and ADHD
The initial news of loss can be such a shock to the system that we shut ourselves down to it, fluttering from emotion to emotion in a desperate attempt to accept this new reality. This can make for a longer ride in the realms of grief, and one that needs far more internal care and support during the process.
People with ADHD tend to have heightened sensitivities to external stimuli and research suggests we respond to negative stimuli more so than positive. The experience of grief can be so overwhelming that it triggers intense emotional reactions within us, and this paired with our inability to regulate emotions properly due to executive dysfunction makes for a double whammy of hardship.
I find in my own experience that the very idea of another’s pain in the duration of death can be so difficult to process, that I often shut down at the onset of bad news. My sensitive nature and empathy can hinder a healthy grieving process, and stop me from even processing my own response to a loved one no longer being here physically.
How to Cope
Coping with grief requires support and understanding, particularly for individuals with ADHD. First, make sure you seek out family and friends for support. Coming together with your most loved and trusted ones at such a time will be paramount to coping with the first stage of loss.
Establish a structured routine to provide stability during the grieving process. People with ADHD respond really well to structures and routines, so applying this to an emotional process can be helpful through times of devastation.
Purchase and borrow books; reading about others’ experiences and stories through grief is not only informative, but relating to another’s experience can be hugely therapeutic. It can also give you the best tips on how to handle yourself through the five stages of grief.
Source some organisational tools and techniques to help assist in managing grief related tasks (for example, planning a funeral, contacting relatives, handling colleagues). Engaging in physical activities or hobbies can also serve as great outlets for emotions and help channel restless energy.
We may not feel like it in the moment, but getting out and focusing on something else to keep us busy can be incredibly helpful and have more impact than we anticipate. It could mean joining a group activity, or being somewhere else with friends to keep us company.
Spending time alone to process things is important too, but we have to be careful that we don’t sink into isolation for too long incase we get stuck there (in come the ruminations).
Mindfulness and relaxation techniques can aid in managing anxiety and stress, and it’s important to consider the potential benefits of medication and therapy to address both grief and ADHD symptoms. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help and therapy if accessible to you.
Accepting and understanding ourselves
Recognising and accepting the unique challenges of grieving with ADHD is crucial. Self compassion and self care are essential components of the healing process. It is important to embrace individual coping strategies and adapt them to your own personal needs. Seeking peer support and connecting with others who have experienced grief with ADHD can provide a sense of understanding and community.
Remember that time is a healer, and only you know the pain and emotions you’re experiencing. Take the time to understand and accept yourself as you are for what you’re going through, and never apologise for your lack of presence in other areas of life whilst grief takes hold.
My two cents
Grieving with ADHD presents its own set of challenges, but it’s good to remember that support and resources are always available. By acknowledging the impact of ADHD on the grieving process, seeking professional guidance, and utilising effective coping strategies, those of us with ADHD can navigate our grief journey with greater understanding and resilience.
Let us raise awareness and provide the necessary support for those with ADHD who are grieving, promoting healing, acceptance, and growth.
Have you had an experience with grief? How did you cope?
Bionic pdf available here.
SOURCES
Emotional deficits in adult ADHD patients: an ERP study
Study: ADHD and Emotion Dysregulation Among Children and Adolescents
Study: Understanding Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder From Childhood to Adulthood
This was from an article on Diamond in a Haystack, for more like this click here.
