Guys, ElDuderino has figured out my problem. I, apparently, lack balls.

Stunned by this news, I quickly dropped my pants to check. This was awkward, given that I was shopping at Home Depot. After my cock hit the floor and my man globes sparked on the polished concrete (because they’re in fact steel) I was reassured my balls were still there.

As I zipped up, I read on. Perhaps the wise and well written ElDuderino had more to say?

I really don’t care whether or not someone else thinks what I say is offensive, I say what I want, because I am a human being with that sort of natural freedom.

The key to freedom is really not giving a shit. I get it now. See I always knew I had the right to say stupid shit, but I wasn’t actually exercising that right unless I offended others. Now, I am truly on the path to freedom.

How can you have any enjoyment in life if you are constantly dreading the fickle feelings of everyone around you?

Truth bomb of atomic proportion dropped with this query. ElDuderino is right — people are fickle. I bet there are some days black people really want white people to call them the N word. Sometimes gay men really want straight guys to call them a faggot. On Thursdays, women love being called bitches by the subset of the population with literally every advantage possible. But try it on a Friday, big trouble. Sad!

So fuck those fickle bitches. On with my true human freedom!

But ElDuderino was not finished. No, no. I need to exercise my freedom over trigger warnings too. After a paragraph explaining that my ability to express myself was dying. He finishes his thought with this…

You can only live in the thin margins where it is statistically unlikely that you will not offend someone or “trigger” them. Fuck that. Stop being a fucking pussy.

I WILL stop being a pussy! It starts today. Right here, right now! From now on when I write publicly or hang out in mixed company I will pay no attention to people’s prior history, backgrounds, sexual orientation, religion, or ethnicity. I’ll tell jokes about Jesus being gay in a baptist church. I’ll tell a racist joke in Harlem. I’ll tell rape jokes at the next company mixer. Because only pussies consider the feelings of others and I’m no pussy!

After another explanatory section of text on the folly of social justice warriors, my new hero explained why he likes pissing people off.

Eventually, I hope they become so outraged that the majority of NORMAL people, will see them for the absurdity they are and tell them with one clear voice to go fuck themselves.

Remember how some foreigner once said “be the change you wish to see.” Well I guess it starts with me.

Time to exercise my freedom. My true, human freedom.

Go fuck yourself ElDuderino.

• Fuck you and your definition of normal.
• Fuck your fake courage.
• Fuck your picking on people you perceive as weak.

If you’re brain is so small and limited in capacity for creativity that you think the only way to express yourself is through offending others then you’re too stupid to waste any more time on.

The notion that you are aggrieved because people might want you to think before opening your cock trap is offensive to you?

Boo fucking Hoo.

Thanks for the lesson in political correctness, now kindly piss off.