How I Changed My Mindset
First, let me tell you how grateful I am that you’re reading this little article. It would be a lie for me to pretend that I don’t want people to read what I write. I really like the attention. I always have. Even as a kid, I loved being in front of an audience. It gave me a sense of significance. That’s one of the basic human needs. We all want to have the feeling that we have something of value to share that not only matters to others, but is useful and helpful.
I think I have value to add to people’s lives because of my experiences, my studies, and my mindset around personal growth. Let me explain. I grew up in a state of constant trauma. I won’t go into detail here because everyone’s got a story. Some are worse than others and that doesn’t really matter. Each of us reacts differntly. Me? I developed an addiction to drugs and alcohol, codependency, and really low self-esteem. I carried it with me for most of my life. I’m certain I passed it on to my children.
Here’s what’s different and where I believe I can add value to the lives of those who read what I write. For the 25 or so years I was in active addiction, I studied self-help, psychology, and the science behind personal transformation. I studied this stuff because I didn’t think the drinking was the problem. I thought I just needed to find the right motivational speaker or the right psychological trick to fix me. If I could do that I could live the life of my dreams.
Well, it was the booze. It was the drugs. I totally wrecked my life and the lives of everyone and anyone that came into contact with me. I mean, I had little successes here and there, but they were quickly destroyed by my addictions and victim mentality. After I freed myself from substance abuse I had to deal with habitual behaviors and defense mechanisms I developed over several years.
My friends, if you think giving up drugs and alcohol will change a person, well, you’re right, but the habits developed over years of drug abuse will not just go away. In other words, kicking the habit is just the beginning. In fact, that’s the easy part.
You see, I got clean and sober 7 years ago this month. And frankly, it’s been hard as hell to get my mind to work correctly. It’s been hard as hell to gain ‘emotional sobriety.’ Quite honestly, I screw up all the time. I skipped out on involving myself in romantic relationships for three years in order to figure out what I needed to do just to like myself a little bit. My first try after that was a disaster. The second try was pretty bad, but not nearly as bad as the first one. Neither of them were anything like the relationships I had while I was drinking and drugging.
But it’s not just my romantic relationships. It’s been in relationships with friends, co-workers, family, and even just regular people I meet on the street. But that’s not all. My ability to manage money, hold down a job, stay in one place for longer than a couple of years, maintain a reasonably stable life, and function normally in society has also been a real struggle. I’ve literally had to learn how to be a regular person. I have had to learn how to function like an adult in public, in my 40’s, and on my own. I’ve battled depression, anxiety, scarcity, PTSD, mild bi-polar disorder, homelessness, starvation, and powerful thoughts of suicide. I’ve experienced all of it, but guess what? I’m still here. I’m still kicking. I’m still alive.
Look, I’m not telling you this because I’m trying to get sympathy or to martyr myself. I’m telling you this because I want you to understand that I come from a place of experience. I want you to know these things because I have found a way out of my own personal hell. I found it because of one thing and one thing only. Belief.
Somewhere deep down in my heart, I have always believed that I would do something great, something important. I have always believed that I could do and be more than I demonstrated. Even when my friends, parents, lovers, co-workers, and strangers told me to give up I kept going. It has not been easy. It has been hard as hell, in fact. My victim mentality and negative thinking have held me down for far too long. I changed my mind.
Here’s how:
Body and mind are one and they affect each other in powerful ways. What we do with our bodies has a profound effect on what we do with our thinking. How we think and what we focus on has an equally profound effect on what happens in our bodies. The very first thing that I changed is how I treat my body and what I focus my thinking on. I started getting up every morning and immediately going outside for a walk. I mean a purposeful walk. Not some casual stroll, but a real workout. A power walk.
While I’m on my walk I focus my thinking on gratitude. I think about things like how happy I am that I am alive. After 25+ years of hard drinking and drugging, I should be dead, but I’m not. I am alive and kicking ass. I think about how grateful I am that I have people in my life that care about me. Like real friends that have been my friends for 10, 15, 25 years or more. The ones who really stayed with me even when I was a complete piece of garbage. I’ve got new friends as well. People who will have deep talks, deep laughs, deep forgiveness, empathy, and acceptance without judgement. Man, I couldn’t be more happy about that.
I do this little power walk and think about how grateful I am for the opportunities I have to really make something of myself. The internet allows us to create careers, learn anything within seconds, and really does level the playing field. It’s pretty freaking amazing. I also do this little walk while I’m listening to motivational music. The stuff I listen to sounds like epic background music from an adventure movie. It’s empowering. I don’t listen to music that has negative, violent, or downer type stuff. There’s a place for that kind of thing, but the hour a day I put into my own personal development is super important to me and I think I’m worth it.
I got the idea of this morning ritual from a Tony Robbins tape. It’s not an original thing with him. People have been doing this sort of thing for years. I’ve heard many people speak on similar methods of motivating change, growth, and success. I never committed to it completely though. I never picked it up and purposely made it into a real habit. That changed because of one thing. Brutal honesty.
I got totally honest with myself about my victim role. I came to a real conclusion about how I had been playing the martyr for so long that no one really cared anymore. No one was going to change anything for me. I had to do it myself. I had to get fed up with my life and the results of my own behaviors and thinking patterns and change my life. So that’s what I did. That’s what I’m doing.
You can do it, too. But you’ve got to do those two things first. One, you’ve got to become brutally honest and two, you’ve got to believe you deserve better. That’s it. You can’t have one without the other. They’re interchangeable. They can be stimulated though. If you aren’t sure if you’re being honest with yourself, find a social worker, therapist, support group, or a really trusted friend who won’t spare your feelings. That’s one way. Another way is to start reading or listening to materials that help to influence change. If you’re crazy like me, you’ll listen to everybody, read everything, go to all the support groups, therapist, and friends you can. That’s what I do. I absorb it all and create my own path with the information I gather in research.
I’m currently taking a course on life coaching on Udemy. Udemy is a learning platform that comes in the form of an app on my phone. The life coaching course is cheap and a part of the process is fixing yourself while you learn to fix others. It’s a cheap and easy way to do the work on myself while learning how to do the work for others. Because that’s my goal.
I want to take my pain and turn in into healing for others. Along the way I get to heal myself and succeed. How bad-ass is that? Look, I know a lot about this sort of thing and still have a long way to go. But I’m going to go there. That’s why I’m writing this article. I’m taking this stuff and making it my life’s work. I want to help.
Look, I know that most people won’t do the things I’ve written about here. But maybe you will. Heck, if you’ve read this far, I’m not only impressed, I’m available to you. Reach out to me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram (@elgorton) and let me know you’ve read this article and you want help figuring things out. I’ll tell you what I know and how I got to where I am. If I can offer you some direction, support, or just plain old friendship, I will.
Talk to you later.
