Don’t believe in Trump’s pee tape? Urine the wrong.

Sometimes stories come along that are so salacious, so amazing, that you can’t help but wish for them to be real, even if the odds seem against it. Remember when the Prime Minister was accused of sticking his cock in the mouth of a dead pig?

Of course, just like the dead pig blowjob, we can’t prove that the infamous ‘pee pee tape’ exists. For those who have been living under a rock for the last year and a half, the Steele dossier was a secret dossier that was leaked to the press in January 2017, composed by British ex-spy Christopher Steele as an investigation into collusion between Russia and the Trump campaign in the 2016 election. While it contained serious allegations of collusion and campaign finance violation, it also brought to light a titillating accusation; that Trump had paid prostitutes in Moscow to urinate on a bed that President Obama had slept in, and then been filmed doing it secretly. This tape was now allegedly being used against him as blackmail by the Russian government.

Now, we can’t say for certain that this is true. We will probably never know whether this actually happened, or whether the Russian government really do have this tape. But I would argue that the odds of this being real are high. Like, really high. I’ve broken it down into three key reasons, namely that the Steele dossier has been a reliable piece of evidence so far, that Trump has acted very suspicious for someone who apparently didn’t do this, and that it’s in Trump’s nature to do a thing in the first place. By the end of this article, I hope you’ll be a peeliever just like me.

The Steele dossier

So, should we take this dossier seriously? Absolutely. To begin, Christopher Steele is a trusted operative by both British and American intelligence. The FBI obviously thinks that his dossier is reliable too, since they apparently used it pretty heavily in forming their approach to their investigation into collusion, as well as interviewing Christopher Steele multiple times. So we can begin by assuming that this report isn’t total nonsense. I could cite a whole load of people here that say it’s being taken very seriously, but that doesn’t mean anything. We want proof it’s true.

For that, we have to look for claims that were made in the dossier that have since been proven true. Well, there’s plenty of those. To begin, there were the allegations that claimed Trump campaign aid Carter Page held secret meetings in Moscow with Putin allies. At the time, Page completely denied this, saying he’d been there on business, and hadn’t met with any Russian government officials. But in November last year, the House Intelligence Committee released the transcript of his congressional testimony, and confirmed that the dossier had been correct.

Okay, that’s only one example. What else is there? Well, there’s the news from just yesterday that Trump’s lawyer and recently arrested man Michael Cohen had lied about his activities over the summer of 2016, after the dossier said that he had gone to Prague to meet Russian operatives to discuss how the campaign would collude with the Russians and receive money from them. Cohen constantly denied that he’d made the trip, saying he’d never even visited Prague, but apparently that was all a lie.

So that seems like there were two very specific pieces of information that the Steele dossier got right. There’s other information in there that’s also been confirmed, like Trump’s ties to Azerbaijani businessman Araz Agalarov, which are especially significant considering that Agalarov’s publicist Rob Goldstone was the one who set up the infamous meeting for Donald Trump Jr with a Russian lawyer who supposedly had dirt on Hillary Clinton, as part of what Goldstone called “Russia and its government’s support for Mr Trump.” There’s also a lot of information about Russian targets of fake news and hacking that were discussed, such as strategies of targeting swing voters.

This all seems to point to the Steele dossier as being very trustworthy. It managed to predict things that were virtually impossible to know without an awful lot of good spying. So why would Christopher Steele make something up like this, after working for months creating a real document full of information? You then might argue that maybe it was misinformation from the Russians, but that seems unlikely. The dossier was actually a compilation of memos, and the pee tape section was in the very first one. If the first memo contained false information, it would be absurd for sources to then give mountains of real information in the months afterwards.

In my eyes, the most compelling argument is that almost the only significant allegation left in the document that has yet to be proven true is the pee tape. If the dossier had been packed full of lies, you would have thought that one of them would have been disproven by now. Indeed, throughout the dossier, Steele is incredibly careful about pointing out how his sources may be unreliable, except when it comes to the pee tape, which has the most sources attached to it, and all of them are independent.

Trump is acting incredibly suspicious

Let’s be honest, Donald Trump is not the most subtle man in the world. We found out that he fired James Comey not at the recommendation of his Deputy Attorney General, but because of ‘this Trump-Russia fake news’, which he let slip in an interview. There are dozens of times where Trump has accidentally let something slip or just been completely obvious about what he’s doing. This is no exception. Reading some excerpts from James Comey’s new book, Trump seems so suspicious about the pee tape I almost feel as if he’s trying to double bluff us.

There’s quite a few quotes from his book, but perhaps my favourite is “For about the fourth time, he argued that the golden showers thing wasn’t true, asking yet again, ‘Can you imagine me, hookers?’” Trump seemed to constantly bring it up unannounced to Comey, pressuring him multiple times to open an investigation into the tape, then going on to ask “whether he seemed like a guy who needed the service of prostitutes.” Trump also seemed to complain at length to Comey about the fact that “it bothered him if there was ‘even a one percent chance’ his wife, Melania, thought it was true.” “In what kind of marriage, to what kind of man, does a spouse conclude there is only a 99 percent chance her husband didn’t do that?” Comey writes.

I honestly feel for Comey. Can you imagine your boss bringing up that pee tape that he definitely didn’t do, but he just needs you to check whether it exists or not? Trump even lied Comey about why he couldn’t have done it, saying he never stayed overnight in the hotel, and just used it to change. This is a lie. Why? Why would Trump partially lie about his alibi, for seemingly no reason? Because he did it.

Trump would definitely do something like this

Donald Trump is Donald Trump. He’s batshit insane. Getting prostitutes to piss on a bed that Obama slept on is exactly the kind of ridiculous thing he would do. This is a man who is unhealthily obsessed with Obama, to the point where “he will ask: ‘Did Obama approve this?’ And if the answer is affirmative, he will say: ‘We don’t.’” He spent years rallying around a racist conspiracy that Obama was born in Kenya, along with abusing him on Twitter constantly. He constantly compares himself to Obama, still attacking him for current events a year and a half into his presidency.

Also, he’s perfectly comfortable cheating on his wife. It’s not unimaginable that Trump would hire prostitutes. He allegedly tried to hand money to Karen McDougal, the playboy model, right after they’d had sex. I’ve seen people try to rebut the idea of the tape by saying that Trump is a notorious germaphobe, however the dossier doesn’t say that the prostitutes pissed on Trump, just on the bed.

Conclusion

I’m not entirely sure what the point of this article is. I think that after the revelations of Michael Cohen came out yesterday, I’ve been amazed by the predictive powers of the Steele dossier. Something that was largely regarded as fiction by the media when it came out has shown to be entirely true so far.

The constant news-driven world that we live in is swirling in outlandish stories about Trump, about collusion and firings and porn stars, but I think I just need to remind people that with all the evidence in front of you, it is very likely that the pee tape exists. It is out there. Do not forget.