It’s New to Elliot: as suggested by Kristy Rahm
Kristy Rahm is a graphic designer, a bartender and one of the kindest people you can possibly meet. I’ve known Kristy since the year of our Lord 2000, just as she was getting out of her nu-metal phase and discovering that there was good music out there that didn’t sound like Coal Chamber. We’ve been great friends ever since, often traveling out of town for concerts back in the day when we were younger and did that sort of thing more often.
She has always exhibited a sharp, informed taste in everything she enjoys. If it’s bullshit, then Kristy knows it’s bullshit and will stay away from it. If she likes it, then she always has impeccable logic for liking it. I need to point out that this slate of records Kristy gave me adds up to one of the lower average scores I’ve ever given out, but that’s no judgment on Kristy. If anything, this week’s slate of records shows you how out of touch I am in certain areas, and how I need to step up my game in appreciating the things I don’t enjoy. Big thanks to Kristy for making me better, as she always does.
Rihanna — Anti
It sure is tough these days to be a stubborn-ass guy in his 30’s who has made a lifetime practice of avoiding the most popular of pop music. All types of music journalists are taking seriously the artists who we used to agree should be kept at arm’s length. That stuff was for normal people to listen to, not us cool people who dig Bob Dylan and tolerate Captain Beefheart, you know? But these days, an artist like Rihanna is being held in the same regard as everything else. The barriers have been blasted apart, and there are no rules anymore. So I am forced to take Rihanna seriously.
I’m able to do this because thankfully, Anti is not a bad record. It’s even kind of good! As far as I can tell, Rihanna has made a record that breaks a bit from what she’s known for, and I say that as someone who has only ever heard her big hits. Most of those songs are far too overbearing and robotic for me to get into (other than “Umbrella,” because it’d be silly to hate on that one), and Anti does have its share of that stuff. “Woo” and “Same Old Mistakes” only serve as showoffs for the producers, not for Rihanna. I had to hear “Work” approximately 10,000 times in my classroom (I play pop radio for my students because I’m nice), and though I don’t hate that song, it does feature a cameo from Drake at his absolute worst — weinery singing, no rapping and zero charisma.
Instead of worrying too much about the music and the production, I tried to focus on Rihanna’s voice, especially in the songs where that over-production goes away and they let her be herself. “Kiss It Better,” “Never Ending” and “Close to You” are really pretty songs with an actual emotional pull, and that’s mostly thanks to Rihanna and her vocals. Though her music isn’t always distinct, her voice certainly is — you can always identify a Rihanna song on the radio just from the timbre of her voice. I especially dig it when she lets go and allows her voice to waver and get raspy. It takes courage for a pop star to do that, and I appreciate the rawness she brings. I’m not a huge Rihanna fan now, but if a fellow curmudgeon like myself ever rags on her, I’ll now offer up a brave defense.
My Opinion: 6/10
Lana Del Rey — Honeymoon
I think Lana Del Rey got a bad rep early on because people perceived her to be an unprepared, undeserving new star. But I think the real reason she didn’t hit home with people, and doesn’t hit home for me, is because what she does is too much of a murky cloud. I can’t deny that her music and production combines to make a sometimes stirring potion. The orchestral arrangements are really tasteful and eerie, and the occasional cool breeze wafts through your soul as you listen. But for me, Lana Del Rey’s whole shtick just takes too long to do what it does. This record is 65 minutes, which is just abusive when you consider how slow it is. Not a single one of these songs hits you in any quick way. They’re all over four minutes — long and winding like a deep sigh. I just can’t pay attention to her for any stretch of time because I get antsy from her arrangements. Just pep it up a bit, for god’s sakes.
I like the idea of Lana Del Rey way more than actually listening to her. A tough, cool woman who strides confidently, moves slowly and has tons of adoring fans? I’m on board! But keep those songs away from me.
My Opinion: 5/10
Type O Negative — Bloody Kisses
All I ever knew of Type O Negative was that they were a metal band and their singer, Peter Steele, posed for Playgirl. I wish I had kept it at that. Apparently Type O Negative is benefitting from a younger generation discovering their music, and Kristy is one of these people, so here we are, listening to all 73 minutes of Bloody Kisses.
This record is what would happen if Danzig suffered a brain injury. It’s got vampire imagery, plodding metal, nonsensical joke punk songs, church organ, terrible backing vocals and every other awful aspect of 90’s goth metal you can imagine. Wikipedia says that “Black No. 1 (Little Miss Scare-All)” is supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek takedown of goth culture. That’s great and all, but the song is 11 damn minutes, isn’t funny, and makes me want to stick my head in an oven. I suppose I found a few riffs here and there that were okay, but even those are ruined by early 90’s production and guitar tones. They do a cover of “Summer Breeze,” and I never thought I would long for the dulcet tones of Seals and Croft, but I do because that cover is so slow and boring. I hate to speak ill of the dead, but Peter Steele just had a vibe that was designed to make me mad. This band is very much not for me. But I guess if other people are listening to this getting dark and scary to it, then that’s how it is.
My Opinion: 3/10
Turnstile — Nonstop Feeling
As I’m on the verge of turning 33, I’m constantly reminded that I am not as young as I once was and all those people who are young now are doing stuff that I think is weird but they think is cool. This can be said for many areas of life, but particularly in music, and particularly with a band like Turnstile. On their surface, Turnstile comes from the lineage of 80's-influenced hardcore bands — stuff like Agnostic Front, Youth of Today and the Cro-Mags. While I enjoy many different styles of hardcore, that style is one that I have never liked. It always seemed too meatheaded and not creative enough. Give me Converge over the Cro-Mags any day of the week.
But while I never liked that stuff, I never knocked anyone for liking it because it was never explicitly crappy. At their best, Turnstile isn’t crappy. They’re kinda fast, they’re intense — all the earmarks of fun hardcore. But Turnstile unfortunately dips their toes into hip-hop, and not good hip-hop either. My friends Mike and Nick told me that Turnstile reminds them of 311, and they hit the nail on the head. It’s not in every song, but when Brendan Yates starts rapping, or when he sings, he sounds way too much like that little guy from 311 whose only job is to occasionally rap and sing. Yates’s rapping is pretty dopey, but his singing is worse. He sounds as if he doesn’t want to sing at all, but was forced by the rest of the band to sing. When he does sing, it’s buried so far back in the mix and with so much reverb that it’s rendered meaningless.
Above all, I don’t want to listen to hardcore that even hints at the possibility of me having to hop up and down while listening to it. I’m not hopping with you, Turnstile, no matter how hard you try to make me.
My Opinion: 4/10
Angel Du$t — Rock the Fuck On Forever
A piece of advice I learned this week: don’t ever fully trust Spotify’s “Related Artists” list when trying to get an idea of what a band sounds like. Sure, it’s probably right 95% of the time, but in the case of Angel Du$t, it could not have been more wrong. The list compared them to Suburban Scum, Expire and even Turnstile — you know, hardcore bands. Angel Du$t is not a hardcore band, and frankly, I can barely classify them. They’re not hardcore in the sense of having big chunky chords and mosh parts. They do play pretty fast, but it’s more like a punk thing. So I suppose they’re a punk band, but boy, are they ever weird. Their record is tiled Rock the Fuck On Forever, which would make you think they’re a wild party band, but the delivery of their songs is oddly straight faced. Vocalist Justice Tripp (yeah, that’s what he calls himself) sounds like an emotionally vulnerable caveman as he barks his lines or sweetly sings them like a big oaf. The guitar riffs are pretty dumb and repetitive, and the guitar tone is hilariously sludgy.
I can’t be mad at this record, but I think that’s because Angel Du$t seems too innocent for me to get mad at them. They’re just doing some weird, dumb party music, and for some reason, a bunch of hardcore kids have decided to love it. I never understand the decision-making process for hardcore kids when they listen to non-hardcore music: “New Found Glory is great, but The Replacements? The fuck is that shit?”
Anyway, this record is super strange and it’s not for me, but I’ll give it an encouraging slap on the back.
My Opinion: 5/10