Spice it up a little

In the 16th century, the Caribbean Islands were God’s green untainted drops of Eden, splashed across a bright blue canvas.

The beauty and fruitfulness of the islands is why every existing government at the time were sending boat-loads of men to colonise the region. Of course it’s strategic position was ideal; but the actuality of settling there compared to the dark, crowded cities of Europe was heaven upon earth. I suppose that’s why so many Liverpudlians choose becoming a travel rep. for Thompson or half of Essex’s pensioners wish to burn into the pink in Tenerife.

Anyway the Disney story about ‘pirates’ briefly depicts the attitude when Brits go abroad: the savage people there are nameless and part of the furniture. Their dark culture is something to be feared and changed to British preference if possible.

Factual history will tell us the survival and sanctity of those civilisations that challenged colonisers were catastrophically torn from the islands.

Nonetheless there were two islands that remained rather untouched by the Belgians, French, Portuguese and British sailors. Every ship that seemed to rest in the shallow waters between the neighbouring islands reported men disappearing in the night; and any man sent onto the islands — missing.

Now because the western travellers were scared to share naval secrets with other nations, sailors of multiple shades of pink continued to pass through the islands. It was after all, the gateway to a string of more islands whose bounty was encouragingly appetising to any wise coloniser.

Fact of the matter there were two tribes already living there. The two tribes had an ancient history of supporting each-other but this grew into an unspoken alliance, to avoid eradication from the new enemy. The two tribes were cannibals.

In 1614 when you sent a message across the Atlantic to see what was going on you didn’t tweet them [odd that people still do it today] to “look at their phone”; you sent more men to go check on your ships. So for a good time the tribes union and knowledge of their enemy kept them all well fed. Some even learnt Spanish through books. Built houses from ships they completely consumed. Ultimately, they lived in peace with their neighbours.

It was a few years before shipping lanes were changed and people got bored of the Caribbean. Apparently the Portuguese were spicing up life by going the other way bypassing Africa to get some Asian action. This left the two tribes in a desperate state.

As their people starved, war broke out and the tribes turned on their alliance. It was bloodthirsty carnage. People thwart with the deaths of their children and the taste for human flesh, drove inhibitions out to sea and nearly killed the entire population.

Only two, extremely old men were left. Little meat on them I suppose. One from each tribe.

Both in old age and with enough fruits to live life until God took them, they decided to sit and talk for an evening. They thoroughly enjoyed each others company, talking through the night until morning.

As the sun came up over the East, they noticed a silhouette on the golden horizon, a boat of clowns. Instinctively they grabbed their knives between their teeth to swim out and wait in the waters for the passersby.

After a long night reminiscing about when the foreigners first started to appear from the seas, they wanted one last thrill.

As the boat rowed into the shallow waters the two men jumped from the water either side, slitting the throats of everyone onboard like they had hundreds of times before.

Missing the taste of meat for so long they cooked them up for lunch as soon as they got back onto the shore. None of them said a word until they’d begun eating.

One of them broke the silence and asked “these clowns taste funny to you?”.