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12 Reasons Why Nick of ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ is a Shitty Boyfriend*

Words of advice and f-bombs of knowledge

Let me be clear, I love the movie, “Crazy Rich Asians.” I’m thrilled to pieces that Rachel Chu got her man, and a rock on her finger, all while retaining her dignity and strength. However, a ring was not her end goal, she’s too smart for that nonsense. The girl just wanted to get her grub on, chill with Peik Lin, and meet Nick’s family.

She had no idea that her fine-ass, albeit dumb-ass, boyfriend was setting her up for failure. Sure, she could have easily cracked his Facebook account and seen who his friends and family were, or maybe she could have suggested a FaceTime call with his mom? Whatever her reasons for putting up with Nick’s secrets and lies (I’m guessing it’s got to do with the D), I’m about to call him out on all his fuckery. Yeah, I’m talking to you — darling, little Nicky.

1. Netflix

You were bumming off of Rachel’s Netflix account? WTF! Dude, that shit is $7.99 per month and you can cancel anytime. What kind of person are you? Do you actually think it’s fun to pinch pennies and play middle class? One of your blazers cost more than Rachel’s whole wardrobe combined. She probably has a cabinet stuffed with paper and plastic bags, along with a drawer full of expired coupons. As soon as you get back to NYC, you better man up and get Rachel a Hulu+ subscription, yeah, you heard me, no commercials. And, while you’re at it, add on HBO, Showtime, and Cinemax. Cheap-ass mofo.

2. Eleanor Young (mom)

Where to begin with this woman? Oh sure, you were trying to protect Rachel from the wrath of your mother, which is why you kept her a secret for a whole year. Nick, you know you can’t keep a damn thing from Mrs. Eleanor Young. She’s like Agent Smith from the Matrix, she can morph into whatever body she needs to at a moment’s notice.

As soon as your bible thumping mama said Rachel couldn’t stay at her house, you should have stood up for your girl. But, you didn’t. You could have warned the love of your life, btw, my mom might be hostile towards you and you should definitely take it personally. But no, you straight-up lied and told Rachel everything was hunky dory (that’s American for bullshit). That’s not gallantry, that’s cowardice.

3. DON’Ts

Even if I were to accept your foolish plan, to keep everything secret from Rachel, until she arrived in Singapore; the least you could have done was fill her in on some Bourgeoisie 101.

Like, how about, don’t fucking wax poetic about your immigrant, peasant (harlot), mother and her real estate success. Nobody in Singapore gives a damn about the American dream, especially when you’re seen as a bastard child.

Here’s an easy one, don’t hug my mom. I don’t come from a family of huggers, that’s not giving away too much. Or, how about, don’t wear red. Use your pretty little head, Nicky.

4. Grandma’s House

Yo Rachel, catch you later at my grandma’s house. You’ll figure out a ride, right? Just type in “Grandma’s House” on Google Maps, and the coordinates won’t show up, because we have a protective shield over the whole property. And I’ll fail to tell you about the armed militia, and, oh, one more thing, it’s a huge fucking party where everyone will be judging you.

How clueless are you? For all your education and manners, you’re a total failure in the boyfriend department. This is your girlfriend’s first time home with you, it is your responsibility to make sure she is taken care of, especially, if you know you’re running around town with your boy, Colin. Get her a fucking chauffeur already, and make sure that car is stocked with drinks, snacks, and C-A-S-H.

5. Outfit, Pt. 1

This time, I’m serious. Let’s just imagine I’m fine with your dumb-ass plan and that you got everything under control. But, this is THE one thing I will never, ever, forgive or forget. Dude, you know your mother, your aunties, your cousins, every female in your lineage is obsessed with fashion. How could it not occur to you, to tell Rachel she’ll need several ball gowns for the trip?

Seriously, you know she shops at the Gap. Hell, your family probably owns all the sweatshops that make clothes for the American market. I mean, call Astrid, ask her to help a sister out. She knows what’s up, she knows you’re in over your head.

If anything, you pretty much owe Peik Lin your firstborn. This is the second time she’s saved your ass and it’s not the last. Lucky for you, Peik Lin had the common sense to gussy up Rachel and to put some bling on her as well. Did you really think Rachel had that shimmering 70s gown in her wardrobe? Men are so fucking clueless.

6. Samsara Island with No Intel

Sounds like a great idea. Go hang out on an island with women who lust after your boyfriend and want you dead. I get it, you didn’t want to stress Rachel out or warn her about any bodily harm that might come to her. That’s what a truly great guy does for his girlfriend, let’s her walk into a trap.

I know Araminta meant well by inviting Rachel to her bachelorette party, but you really should have stepped in and said she was busy with your family. Maybe you’re not so quick on your feet. Again, you could have called Astrid and told her to look out for Rachel, before she got caught up in the claws of your ex, Amanda. Another really dumb move on your part. At least tell Rachel about any exes that might be lurking in the shadows. You knew your mother wanted you to marry her, so what the fuck were you thinking, leaving that important detail out?

And how about, oh yeah, my mom wanted me to move back last year and I defied her. Is that just a minor detail in the rich tapestry of your life, Nicky? I’m actually concerned about whether you’re smart enough to take over the family business. Are you really capable of seeing the larger picture?

7. I Made a Mistake

You meet your crying girlfriend in the hotel lobby and all you can say is, “I made a mistake.” First of all, you were not sympathetic enough for me. Sure, you said the right things, but you were too diplomatic with your British accent. I needed to see you cry.

Your girlfriend AND your super-glamorous cousin, buried a really large, bloody fish on the beach. I don’t even think you would have had the balls to do that. Would you have put up with that shit from Rachel’s friends? The thing is, she never would have put you in that kind of situation in the first place. You think about that.

8. Dumpling Party

Rachel just wants to hide out, lay low, after the horrific bachelorette party. But, no, you’ve got to drag her to grandma’s house again under the guise of dumplings. Mom and grandma were in fine form. Nothing to worry about.

Grandma will just get all up in your face and tell you your nose is auspicious. You know what lady? Rachel’s got no control over her nose, so don’t play those games with her. You like her one second and the next you don’t, it’s like grade school all over again. Well guess what? Nick likes playing in her sandbox, so there, in your face.

As for your mother and her tiger mom moment, that could have been prevented. If only you would have been a gentleman and escorted Rachel to the ladies’ room, she could have been safe. What? Did you just point upstairs and tell her it’s the 10th door on the left? Why don’t they update that house and get some half-bathrooms on the first floor? I have a really hard time believing grandma goes up and down the stairs all day to use the loo.

9. Outfit, Pt. 2

Another epic fail. You dragged your girlfriend, to the other side of the world, to Asia’s royal wedding of the century. How about throwing down some duckets for a dress, you cheap bastard. This whole proletariat act is really grating on my last nerve.

Again, Peik Lin saved the day, along with your gay cousin, Oliver. Your freaking cousin stepped-up and took care of your girl. You are so questionable. You were wearing a tux, when did you get that fitted? I guess it never occurred to you that your girlfriend deserved the same treatment.

You just saw her looking all elegant in the front row and figured she just threw that look together. Her hair alone looked like it took hours to do, her makeup was so perfect and luminescent. Do you not notice anything? I don’t remember you asking Rachel about her tiara.

10. Wedding

See you at the wedding, babe! You’re an independent American woman, you’ll figure it out. Again, WTF, Nick. There was no concern for how Rachel would get to the wedding or where she’d sit. Dude, you’re from another country. Rachel doesn’t know your customs. You saw her try to drink that stuff to wash her hands. A little help here.

I know you were offering emotional support to Colin, but other than that, I didn’t see you doing jack shit for the wedding. Let’s be real here, there was enough hired help, that you didn’t need to lift a finger. So, what were you doing with all your time? I don’t think you were spending enough QT with Rachel.

She had to deal with the fucking paparazzi in front of the church. Personally, I would have liked a heads-up about that. Surely, you knew about the seating arrangements. That was so lame, that you assumed she would hang out in the back. You were the best man, it was your job to secure her a seat. But, no. She had to take care of that shit on her own, even after your evil mother blew her off. Do you even know about that? Your mom told Rachel she couldn’t sit in her row and then Rachel said, “Bok bok.” Cold as ice.

11. Convalescing at Peik Lin’s

Rachel totally kicked ass at that wedding and then your mom delivered the last blow at the wedding reception. Somehow, you couldn’t find her and, once again, Rachel got to Peik Lin’s house on her own. I would have been so humiliated to show up like that.

You’re lucky Peik Lin’s family had a spare room and took care of her. There were days of Rachel crying and not eating. Where the fuck were you? You should have been sending flowers, serenading her, fireworks, you had so many tools at your disposal, but all you did was call and text. Why weren’t you crying? I needed more from you.

12. Rachel Rises

Do you remember how this whole thing got resolved? Mahjong. Boom. Rachel’s a fucking genius and you’re not even smart enough to know it. Not only did she, rightly, turn down your rinky-dink ring; she outfoxed your mom.

She was so brave to confront your mom and tell her how much she loved you. But, she was willing to let you go, so as to not break up the family. All while playing a brilliant hand. What dignity, what honor. She did that for you and, in turn, your mother’s cold heart warmed and relented.

Rachel won you your freedom, you ungrateful son of a bitch. You are treading on thin ice with me, but I believe in second chances. The next time I see you on the big screen, I better see more devotion, emotion, groveling, and sex. And use your fucking head every once in a while. Good talk.

*This review of Nick Young is based solely on the movie-version of him, not the book.