Flakier Than a Fresh Croissant: What to Do When a Promising New Man Lets You Down
You’ve finally met someone you’re excited about and just as you start to feel comfortable, he starts pulling away. Ugh. It’s the ickiest feeling ever. Here’s how to handle it with finesse.
Read on Substack or listen to the Your Dating Bestie Podcast episode here
Now, buckle up because I’m about to help you gain control over one of the most common dating setbacks.
If you’re actively dating, you’ll experience a version of the following scenario at least once, if not countless times. So, let me set the scene.
Classic dating scenario we can all relate to
You meet a man.
Maybe you meet him organically at work, a party or a bar. But most likely, you meet him online — because that’s where pretty much everyone meets these days. And you feel that rare, elusive and magical spark.
He shows a lot of interest in you initially — and it’s exciting.
You swap a few fun, flirty and promising messages.
Perhaps you speak on the phone — and the conversation just flows.
Maybe you go out on a date or two — and the connection is undeniable.
Then just as things are starting to heat up for you, they seem to be cooling off for him.
Perhaps he goes a couple of days without contacting you.
Perhaps it’s late on a Thursday night and he hasn’t yet organised to see you over the coming weekend.
Perhaps a significant occasion passes, such your birthday, Valentine’s Day or Christmas, and he doesn’t really acknowledge it or make much of a fuss over it.
Whatever the case, one thing’s for sure — that icky feeling in the pit of your stomach has officially set in. And you know exactly why — because he’s starting to flake on you.
Suddenly, you begin doubting yourself and questioning everything: Were your expectations of him unreasonable? Did you give off a needy vibe? Did you say or do something to make him pull away?
But most importantly, what should you do to get things back on track? After all, you had that instant spark. Where did it go? It can’t have just disappeared.
Should you wait by the phone like the cool woman you are who doesn’t make the first move?
Or should you reach out to him like the modern woman you are who doesn’t sit by the phone waiting for a man to contact her as though it’s the 1950s?
Then, when you finally reconnect and he makes some flimsy excuse for his behaviour, should you give him the benefit of the doubt and go out with him?
Or should you write him off as just another liar, player or typical male and kick him out of your life before he kicks you out of his?
Ugh, it’s all so confusing! Except it isn’t, really.
Mr Flakier Than a Fresh Croissant Playbook
I’m going to reveal exactly where you’re going wrong — because it’s exactly where I went wrong over and over and over again when I was single.
I call it the Mr Flakier than a Fresh Croissant Playbook. I wish someone had written this for me when I was dating!
There are 5 steps.
Step 1: Stop overvaluing the spark
Do you know what having a spark means?
It means you have a spark.
That’s it. That’s the beginning and the end of it.
It doesn’t mean it’s ‘love at first sight’, that he’s ‘The One’ or that you’re ‘meant to be’.
It doesn’t mean he’s right for you or you for him.
It doesn’t mean he’s kind, considerate, a good listener, a team player or easy to live with.
It doesn’t mean you have the same values, want the same things in life, or will live ‘happily ever after’.
All it means is that you had a spark. You had an initial connection. You had a bit of chemistry.
Well, whoop-dee-effing-do!
That spark is only one small cog in a very big wheel of what makes a relationship work.
Apart from the fact that the spark needs to be mutual, the spark doesn’t have to happen right from the start. Many happy couples will tell you their spark came a little later — after they got to know and appreciate each other.
Step 2: He’s no one until he’s someone
Let me say that again because it might be worth writing on a Post-It note and sticking to your fridge…
He’s no one until he’s someone.
We’re talking about a man who isn’t your boyfriend. We’re talking about a man you might not have even met yet. You’ve just fallen in love with his charming dating profile, his funny messages or how effortless it was to speak to him on the phone or chat face-to-face on one or two dates.
The point is he’s still no one to you at this early stage. You don’t know him and he doesn’t know you.
Live in the moment, take things one step at a time and don’t place any value on him until he becomes your kind, consistent and committed boyfriend.
Step 3. Don’t fall for a fantasy
Don’t assume that just because he’s attractive, intelligent, funny and talented that he’s also kind, generous, easygoing and loving.
Most people are great in small doses and that probably goes for this guy as well.
Just think of all of your girlfriends. You love them. But would you want to share your life with them? Would you want to live with them? Would you even want to travel with them? In most cases, the honest answer to those questions is ‘Err, not particularly.’
The truth is it’s hard to find someone to share your life with. Not only do they need to tick a lot of boxes for you, but you need to tick a lot of boxes for them.
Until you really, truly get to know a man over time, the life you imagine with him is just a fantasy.
So, if he flakes on you, you’re not actually losing him — you’re losing the fantasy of him.
Step 4. What you see is almost always what you get
If it feels as though a man is losing interest or pulling away, he probably is.
If you find yourself making excuses for him, such as ‘He’s busy with work’, or ‘He’s out of town’, or ‘He’s not feeling well at the moment’, it’s not a good sign.
A relationship that’s going somewhere doesn’t make you feel this way.
A relationship that’s going somewhere unfolds fairly effortlessly.
It’s easy. It’s enjoyable. It’s free from angst. And it gets better over time — not worse.
Put it this way: Whenever one of my girlfriends met her future husband, I barely heard a word about their relationship. We’d get together for bunch and she wouldn’t have much to say about him other than ‘He’s great!’
That’s because there was nothing wrong. There was nothing to question. There was nothing to analyse. There was nothing to discuss. It was effortless and she was just… happy.
If you barely know someone and they’re already making you feel unhappy, unimportant or un-prioritized, I’d put money on it that the relationship is going absolutely nowhere.
So, what’s a gal to do? Well, that brings me to the fifth and final step of the Mr Flakier than a Fresh Croissant Playbook…
Step 5: Keep calm and carry on dating
In other words, read between the lines and move forward.
Clearly, he’s not focused on you, so don’t you be focused on him.
Instead, focus on meeting new men.
For instance, reach out to 20 new guys online in one day and start swapping messages and scheduling phone calls so that you end up on a date with about five of them and maybe even in a relationship with one of them.
You can’t control how men feel or behave. You can only control how YOU feel and behave.
And meeting new single men will give you the greatest chance of finding love as quickly and smoothly as possible.
— — —
So, what do you do when Mr Flakier than a Fresh Croissant eventually calls or texts and wants to see you?
Well, it depends on the circumstances. If you feel it’s possible to pick up where you left off, see him. But if you feel he’s already made his lack of interest in you clear, don’t see him. It’s up to you. Use your best judgement.
If you decide it’s not worth seeing him, I’d strongly advise you to decline his invitation graciously. Just say, ‘Thank you but I’m busy with other commitments’, and leave it at that.
Don’t get into an altercation with him.
Don’t give him a serving for allegedly treating you badly. Don’t scold him like a naughty schoolboy. Don’t call him a nasty name. Just let him go. Just throw that fish back into the sea. You’ll feel so much better about yourself, and he’ll have so much more respect for you, if you just calmly let him go.
Besides, you have 20 other guys on various dating sites and apps who are in the process of earning a date with you, right? Right!
Focus on the ones who are excited about you — not the ones who aren’t.
To summarise, here’s how to handle Mr Flakier than a Fresh Croissant with finesse:
1. Don’t overvalue the spark: A spark means one thing and one thing only — that you had a spark. Don’t read into it any further than that.
2. He’s no one until he’s someone: In other words, until a man steps up and becomes your kind, consistent and committed boyfriend, he’s not an important person in your life.
3. Don’t fall for a fantasy: Just because you have a connection with a man doesn’t mean you know him. It takes time to truly get to know someone.
4. What you see is almost always what you get: If it feels as though a man has lost interest in you, he probably has. Don’t rationalise his behaviour. Just let him go.
5. Keep calm and carry on dating: The best way to handle a flaky man is to stop attempting to handle him and focus on finding a man who isn’t flaky. It’s not to wait by the phone, settle for less or make excuses for him.
You deserve better and you’re perfectly capable of finding and keeping a man who never flakes on you.
Find Mr Right the un-miserable way
Think you can’t find love without suffering through dating? Think again.
Allow me to introduce (drum roll)… The Un-Miserable Dating Method.
If you’d like to have a much quicker and smoother journey to Mr Right than I did, I can’t wait to tell you all about it. Just visit YourDatingBestie.com.
