Why you’re still single — or at least why I was

After I met my husband, I was able to look back and pinpoint the main reason I was single until age 38. I think it might be the same reason you’re still single.

What did I do wrong?

When I was single — and busy getting ignored, overlooked, stuffed around, lied to, cheated on, rejected, ghosted or dumped — the question that consumed me was: ‘What did I do wrong?’ I figured if I could pinpoint exactly what I was doing wrong, I wouldn’t be single for much longer.

This went on for years and decades. I didn’t meet my husband, David, until I was 38. And we didn’t get married until I was 42.

So, now that I’m able to look back with the 20/20 vision of hindsight, I’m finally able to answer that elusive question, ‘What did I do wrong?’ Are you ready for this? Okay, here it is… Nothing.

I didn’t do anything particularly wrong with past boyfriends. I’m not saying I was the perfect girlfriends because I wasn’t. But every time a man broke my heart, there wasn’t really anything I could have done differently to make him want to be with me. Either I wasn’t the right woman for him, or the timing was off, or both.

The №1 reason I was single until age 38

HERE’S why I believe I was single for so long…

I once saw a quote that said:

‘I’ve probably already met the man of my dreams and told him to f**k off.’

That’s exactly what I’m talking about. I’m not talking about the ones I dated. I’m talking about the ones I didn’t date — the ones I dismissed almost immediately, mostly online, for silly reasons. What I probably did wrong (although we’ll never know for sure) is not give enough men a chance.

Both men and women are guilty of this, but I have to be honest and say I think women are probably guiltier of it.

Women have a tendency to immediately rule out men they don’t know based on assumptions, superficial reasons or a lack of initial attraction.

For instance:

• ‘He plays video games, so he must be a bit of a man-child.’
• ‘He goes clubbing and to music festivals, so he’s probably a player.’
• ‘He posted a shirtless selfie, so I bet he’s a self-absorbed gym junkie.’
• ‘He seems nice, but I don’t find him that hot, so I guess he’s not The One.’
• ‘Unless he’s at least 6-foot tall, I’m not interested.’

There are hundreds of these.

In some cases, you might be right. But the point is you don’t know. And the only way to find out is to give as many of these sweet yet imperfect men a chance. Because you’re sweet and imperfect. Don’t you think more men should give YOU a chance? Wouldn’t you agree that if fewer men had overlooked you and, instead, taken the time to get to know you, one of them would be happily married to you by now?

So, if you want to know why you’re still single — or at least why I was — it’s probably because you haven’t given enough men a chance.

Ten years prior to meeting my husband David, it’s unlikely I would have given HIM a chance due to my misguided idea of ‘Mr Right’. As a woman, you tend to be pretty cocky when you’re 28. But by 38, you’re a little more (ahem) open-minded. Don’t get me wrong. I liked David’s dating profile. I thought he was cute, smart and funny, and I could see we had some common interests.

But there were also some glaring incompatibilities — or what I thought were incompatibilities. For instance:

• He was older than I would have liked
• He lived almost an hour’s drive from me in an area I had no interest in spending time in
• He had a stable job but not a particularly impressive or lucrative career
• We had different religious beliefs
• We had slightly different political beliefs
• He had a cat and I was a dog person who was allergic to cats

Not exactly a perfect match, huh!

Well, guess what: Not one of these so-called incompatibilities turned out to be a problem. But if I hadn’t taken the time to get to know him, I wouldn’t have found that out. I would have just passed on my Mr Right and moved onto my next Mr Wrong.

Not less ‘picky’. Less dismissive.

Let me be clear about something…

This isn’t about being less picky. It’s about being less dismissive.

As a single woman, there’s nothing more irritating than being told you’re ‘too picky’. Ugh, I used to hate that. You SHOULD be picky. But be picky AFTER you give the guy a chance — not before.

Swapping a few messages, speaking on the phone or meeting for a drink isn’t a huge investment. If you want to find love as quickly and smoothly as possible, stop swiping left as quickly as you’d swipe a fly away from your face and give more men a chance.

So, his pictures don’t make your heart race. So, he’s not quite within the age range you were hoping for. So, he’s not as tall as you would have liked. So, he lives a little further away than what’s convenient. So, he has a decent career but doesn’t make bucket-loads of money. So what! Is he passable? Is his profile okay? Do you find him somewhat attractive? Is he within about 10 years of your age? Is he tall enough to ride a roller coaster? Does he live within an hour’s drive of your place? And most importantly, is he interested in you? Then give him a chance.

The ‘give more men a chance’ payoff

If you start giving more men a chance, I guarantee one of them will surprise you big-time. He’ll be the attractive, intelligent, funny, successful and charismatic man he had trouble conveying in his profile who calls you every day, wants to see you every weekend, takes you on romantic dates and makes a fuss over you on your birthday and Valentine’s Day.

It doesn’t matter if you were right about 9 out of the 10 men who didn’t dazzle you immediately. It doesn’t matter if you were right about the 99 out of 100 men who didn’t dazzle you immediately. Remember, it only takes one. And I guarantee if you give more men a chance, one of these men will impress you beyond your wildest expectations.

The subtle art of giving more men a chance

Now, of course you can’t give ALL men a chance. You need some filters. But consider this for a moment: Your filters might not be as helpful as you think they are.

It’s highly likely you’re keeping some of the right men out and letting some of the wrong men in.

There ARE some good reasons to instantly dismiss a man, but they’re probably not the reasons you think. They’re not because he plays video games, enjoys clubbing, posted a shirtless selfie or isn’t as hot, tall, wealthy or local as you’d like.

They’re because he seems angry, or bitter, or possessive, or needy, or selfish, or untrustworthy, or unkind, or maybe even cruel. If that’s the case, don’t walk. Run! There’s no need to even consider giving this man a chance or a second chance.

Another type of man it’s okay to dismiss almost immediately is a man who’s fresh out of a long-term relationship or marriage and shows clear signs of not being ready for his next big love, even if he thinks he is.

There’s a book I want to recommend on this topic. It’s called Dating the Divorced Man by Christie Hartman PhD. It covers separating, separated, divorcing and recently divorced men and it could potentially save you a lot of heartache.

Your ‘perfect man’ list won’t help you find your perfect man

To sum up, don’t let the reason you’re still single be because you don’t give enough men a chance. Throw out your ‘perfect man’ list, widen your filters and trust your instincts.

Stop dismissing men based on assumptions, superficial reasons or a lack of strong initial attraction. In other words, stop trying NOT to date and start getting to know more men.

Because here’s the thing…

Giving more men a chance might cost you a little extra time and effort, but not giving more men a chance might cost you the love of your life.

Find Mr Right the un-miserable way

Think you can’t find love without suffering through dating? Think again.

Allow me to introduce (drum roll)… The Un-Miserable Dating Method.

If you’d like to have a much quicker and smoother journey to Mr Right than I did, I can’t wait to tell you all about it. Just visit YourDatingBestie.com.