This morning I was fairly happy, it was Monday morning, misty, mild and I was fairly happy.
At lunchtime I was tired, busy and reasonably happy.
Home time a heavy weight hung inside I felt a sensation like bindweed growing inside me and pulling the heavyweight inside me.
What is this? Anxiety? Depression? Some realm within the mental health sector that has no name? Modern Life? Whatever this negative feeling is, whatever label it has, is not the problem. All humans encounter this shit from time to time but the problem is,what coping strategy do I employ to get through it?
Nothing illegal- worse luck! Nothing glamorous!
The bindweed pulling my heavy weight serves to remind me that nobody likes me. I know people do like the persona I allow them to see but as I don’t like myself ‘they’ don’t like me, in fact I’m hated by everybody.
I started smoking as a means of sabotaging my opera career. I was a potentially good dramatic mezzo soprano but somebody significant in my life said something mean so I started smoking so I had the power to be the reason of my failure. I don’t smoke anymore- I can’t afford to. So I need new coping strategies.
I have three that I use in a cyclical fashion. It’s a slow cycle and doesn’t flow round and round it flounders and it’s a constant battle between A and B. I’m not naming them because they’re mine. My negative coping strategies which help me get through negativity by wading further down as the bind weed drags me down.
It’s a web. I have to punish myself by indulging in A for a while. Then, disgusted by myself I allow B to take control of me. I rarely get to C. C is a dangerous strategy but it’s the most powerful and gives me the quick fix I need. I could liken it to a big snort of cocaine and indeed if I could afford a coke habit it might be an excellent substitute for C however I need to get in the ‘incorrect’ mind space in order for C to help me and I’m not there yet.
I’m currently using B. B is like having a best friend holding razor blades in one hand and a big bunch of flowers and a hug in the other. B charms me. Dazzles me with love but then punishes me mentally and physically. B nearly destroys me but then wryly smiles at me. Beckons me over for love and then disappears but before leaving cuts me and whispers in my ear that however I try to escape it will always have the power to drag me down. If I wanted to I could stand on my own but I need a coping strategy and at least I get a tiny bit of ‘love’.
A is boring. A is the normal everyday self harm we all do to ourselves. A is like over spending on a new handbag and knowing you’ll have to live on stew for the rest of the month. A is a necessary evil.
I need a ‘normal’ coping strategy. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke or take drugs. I’m choking though, the bind weed is pulling me under a rip tide taking me to somewhere I don’t want to be.
Hold on! It’s fucking November tomorrow. NO WONDER IM DYING INSIDE WHEN EVERYTHING IS DYING OUTSIDE.