Why do nice guys finish last? Because they put everyone else first. Throughout my life I always find myself swimming across oceans for people who wouldn’t even cross a bridge for me. Why? Because deep down I’m hoping that they could someday realize how important these bonds were to me, and how much goodness came out of it. I just want to make a positive mark on this world. But trying to be everyone else’s hero can be really draining, especially when sometimes I can’t count on the same people I bend over backwards for.
It’s rather one-sided, with almost every friendship/relationship I’ve had in my life. I’ve always give more than I get and sometimes it takes a toll. People will always take advantage of kindness.
I’ve been told that I was popular in highschool, and while it may seem from an outsider’s perspective that I had a lot of friends the sad truth is that I didn’t. I’m always the one who goes uninvited to parties or hangouts, always the last pick for things, and even with past relationships I’ve always had to be empathetic when my exes (s/o)would rather spend a day at the mall with her girl friends than go on a date with me (I really only had a real real date in University). So, I’ve just gotten accustomed to being the one who has to invite everyone all the time, and it makes me feel like I look needy, but the truth is if I didn’t make an effort to keep things alive it then everything would just fall apart. I guess that’s why I feel like I’m never anyone’s number one, or I always feel like I have to fight for people’s time.
While it hurts, it has made me strong. Being an only child, it made me independent with myself, and the fact that we moved around so much I grew accustomed to saying goodbye. When I was bullied, I had a backbone, and I learned not to let people step on me. It still doesn’t change the fact that I give more than I should to people I love. Even my own relatives, of whom preach about “closeness” and the importance of “family” rarely ever come and visit my parents and I. In the past 4 years we’ve lived in the states, the only two times they came to visit was the first Christmas and my High school graduation. I anticipate the next time they visit will be on my university graduation. And it’s not like they live worlds away, for those relatives I understand, it’s just they live 3 and a half hours away and they think that’s too far. On the contrary, my family makes an effort to visit them at least 4 times a year. We’d visit just for fun, but for them they always seem to need a special occasion.
I guess I’m writing this because recently, I feel my patience being shortened, I feel my wire shortening out and I’m mad at myself for that. My anger is starting to hurt the people I love most and I need to learn how to be more understanding. The problem is, all my life I’ve been the understanding one and I never felt like anyone understood me. I feel myself becoming more and more impatient, irritated and jealous when people make time for everyone but me, and I’m struggling with letting things go. It’s because recently I’ve been feeling like I’m always just an option and not a priority in all aspects of my life. I’ve had a very rough three weeks; from having someone very close to me contemplate taking their own life rather than talk to me about their depression, a best friend turning to drugs rather than talk to me about his struggles, I just feel like everyone would rather do something else than spend a little time with me like there’s always something more important. Even if they did manage to squeeze some time, I feel like that time is not necessarily all mine, like they’re talking to others or just waiting for me to leave so they can go back to smoking weed or something.
Still, if anybody who was truly close to me needed help, I’d drop everything and be there in an instant. But I don’t know if at this point in my life, they’d go out of their way to help me, only if it’s convenient for them to do so. I’ve been so busy trying to please everyone that I forgot to please myself too. There’s always a joy in giving, but giving too much is not good either.
I’m really not used to opening up like this, because everytime I complain about my life I’m met with a comment about ungratefulness, or I’m left feeling selfish for feeling the things I do. Is it selfish of me to want a little more?
But in all honesty this feeling of resentment and dissapointment I have with the world right now is blinding. Because the people who have been genuinely trying to make an effort to see me, the people who have been genuinely trying to make me feel like I matter, are the ones I hurt and push away when I show my irritation when things go wrong. I feel so dissapointed in myself for being so impatient and giving into anger when things don’t happen as fast as I’d want them to. I fail to see the effort they put in because I’m blinded by my own feelings.
I need to practice being more vocal and assertive with my needs in life and not keeping things to myself. More importantly I need to be more patient with my loved ones, being more empathetic to their efforts. But most of all I need to understand that change takes time, and a lot, no a shit ton of hard work.
Nice guys are not invincible. They hurt too. But the truth is Nice guys don’t finish last. They just feel like they do because no one stopped to tell them how appreciated they are while they let others go ahead . While sometimes they get dissapointed, it’s their endurance and unending willingness to love that trumps every feeling of loneliness they’ve ever faced and for that, I’d say they’re pretty great.