9 Things You Need to Live In Your Car

Emerson Dameron
Jul 27, 2017 · 2 min read
Art by Josh House.

Broke? Job search going nowhere? Looking at eviction? Relax, you’re not homeless yet, not as long as you still have a vehicle and a few other essential accessories. Here’s what you’ll need to live the Gary Numan lifestyle without losing it.

1. Gym Membership

Join a 24-hour gym, or use coupons and guest passes. You’ll have a place to shower and pinch a loaf, and exercise will keep your brain chemistry from going over a cliff. A gym membership is the last thing you should give up. Nothing will cheer your stinking ass up as much as seeing some corporate drone’s inferior junk in the shower.

2. The Right Car

It has to run and not require constant pit stops at Pep Boys. It needs insurance and registration. If possible, get a AAA membership. Cops hate poor people. Keep your eyes on the lines and, if you get pulled over, be ready to play Christian.

3. Baking Soda

For cleaning and covering up the unpleasant odors of Dickensian poverty, baking soda is god’s own dandruff.

4. Cigarette Lighter Converter

In case you need to run small appliances in your car. Small appliances. You’re not going to power a hot plate or grow lights off the battery in a 2000 Kia.

5. Non-Perishable Food

You can live for months on tuna, bananas and protein powder. I also hear that dog food has all the nutrition you need, but I doubt it’s good for morale. Keep it around to feed to your dates.

6. A Mailing Address

Use a friend’s, or get a private box. So you can still have something to put on top of your resume. And because you’re still in serious debt, and those motherfuckers are the last people who’ll forget about you.

7. Extra-Strength Pain Relievers

It turns out people aren’t built to sleep sitting up in compact cars. Suck it up and deal with it. You can start by swallowing a dozen EXTRA-strength Bayer pills with each of those Steel Reserve tall boys. Good drugs are for rich people.

8. Wet Wipes

There may come a day when all you’ve got is your asshole. Keep it clean.

9. Hobbies, Passions, Reasons for Living

You’ll be alone a lot and you’ll need to keep yourself busy. If you’re an artist, pursue that full time. If not, grow pot or take care of stray kittens or stalk the fuck out of some minor celebrity, or something. Just stay busy. And do what you can to avoid drowning in your brain chemistry.

This originally appeared on MADATOMS in 2010. Their archives now appears FUBARed. Josh House did the amazing artwork.

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