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Disney’s next live-action remake.

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Cinderalla (Disney — Fair Use) Edited by the author.

Cinderella runs out to the garden, sobbing.

CINDERELLA: It’s just no use, there’s nothing left to believe in.

Sparkly dust gathers in front of Cinderella. Gordon materializes from the dust.

GORDON: Best believe you look like you just crawled out of a sewer’s arsehole.

Cinderella cries even harder.

CINDERELLA: Oh, my. I know I do. I look awful. I can’t go to the ball looking like this.

GORDON: You shouldn’t be anywhere looking like that.

CINDERELLA: Can’t you grant wishes or perform miracles or do something to help me?

GORDON: Trust me, it’s gonna take a fucking miracle to get you ready to go anywhere. …


Rural people would make me too stressed to discuss.

Paying $1000 a month in rent:

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Grocery shopping:

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Crossing the street:

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Falling asleep:

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Smelling that smell:

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Taking a walk:

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On Sundays:

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Yard signs/window signs:

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Dating:

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More in this series:

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Why be boring when you can throw your life into chaos?

Dump out your houseplants, become one with nature

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Bask in the dulcet tones of David Attenborough narrating Planet Earth while snuggling up on the couch next to actual earth.

Set screaming husky sound alarms at random intervals throughout the day to stay alert

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Scream along. If you’ve yet to bless and/or scar your earholes with the sound of a screaming husky you can listen here.

Become an “under” person

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Accept it. Make peace with it.

Try out a zero-waste lifestyle: Eat all of the expired food in your fridge instead of throwing it away

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Spoiled milk has never sounded so buzz-worthy.

Refuse to untangle your headphones, use them anyway

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Just let them overtake you.

Put your salt and sugar in identical, unlabeled jars

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Play roulette every morning with your coffee to keep things fresh.

Conserve water by keeping a raccoon in your sink

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A 100% organic dishwashing solution. Accompanied by a 43% chance of contracting rabies.

Illustrations by the author.

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