Donald Trump’s Conscience is a God-Fearing Man

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been…oh, well…about an hour since my last confession.”

-“Well, not even really. I feel as though you just left the church. What could have possibly transpired in this short amount of time, my son?”

-“It’s Twitter again. He can’t stop”

- (sighs) “What is it now.”

- “What isn’t it? Between the assertion of Hillary’s crookedness and his reviews of the latest Saturday Night Live episode -”

- “He really needs to just turn that off.”

- “Well, he won’t. And he insists on pushing out all of his opinions of it to the entire world.”

- “He knows Twitter is a form of social media, right? That people can see it?”

- “Yes, Father. I’ve warned him! He doesn’t seem to care!”

- “Alright, alright. Well, why don’t you tell me what has happened this time.”

- “I don’t … I don’t even know how to say it really.”

- “Come on my son, out with it.”

- “He said…he tweeted that he has to tweet because all of the journalists are corrupt; it’s the only way to get the truth.”

- “I…see.”

- “He said he’ll have to tweet…forever.”

- “Forever?”

- “Forever.”

- “I see.”

- “I just keep failing, Father. He won’t stop! There’s always a new problem, nd I feel it is I who is responsible.”

-“Well, that’s who you are. It’s what you were made to do. Consciences are created by nature to feel guilt and remorse the wrongdoings their humans have committed.”

-“I know Father, but I just feel as though I am stunted. I’m supposed to pass that guilt onto my human but I feel as though I’m not getting through to Don’s brain. I feel this guilt and pain but I just don’t think I’m connecting to him.”

- “I think that’s a fair statement to make at this point.”

- “I mean, nothing! I was there in his head on that Godforsaken -”

- “Hey, watch it.”

- “Sorry, sorry. But I was there on that Access Hollywood bus urging him to just stop talking to Billy Bush and to please leave Tic Tacs out of his off-base sexual pursuits. And I was with him, dissuading him, through all his antics aimed at suppressing the opposing vote during the final months of the election”

- “I thought that wasn’t necessarily proven.”

- “Hey — I was there.”

- “Alright, alight.”

- “I’ve been there through it all! Trying to be that strong inner monologue, guiding Don in the right direction, to be a better individual. But nothing!”

- “Have patience, my son. You’re on the right path, you’re doing the right things to help your human.”

- “Is my microphone off? Has he muted my audio? Is there a different voice telling him to forge his own path?”

- “I don’t know, my son. But have faith. The American people will help you.

- “Oh, no, that’s long gone. The people have spoken and they’ve spoken for Trump.”

- “Wait…that actually happened? That wasn’t just a bad stress dream I had?”

- “Yep. I tried reaching Don in the final hours, pleading with him to drop out, concede, anything I could to try and shape the results. But here we are.”

- “I see. This is more troubling than I thought.”

- “You must see now why I’m in such a tired state.”

- “Yes, yes. Well. You must hold onto hope. God has a plan for us all, after all.”

- “Yeah, I’d like him to pipe in right about now and bring this plan of his to a halt.”

- “Don’t you worry. You must not lose faith.

- “Okay, okay. Thank you, Father. Hopefully I won’t be speaking to you for a while.”

- “Take care, my son.”

• • •

- “Excuse me, Father?”

- “Yes, hello Sister Katherine, what is it?”

- “Mike Pence’s conscience is here to speak to you again”

- (sighs) “Yes, yes. Send him in.”

• • •