The Dignity of Risk
On why denying yourself or someone’s right to taking risks, is the real risk!
Have you ever thought about why you sometimes end up feeling drained, or resentful in your relationships, whether they be at work, in friendship, or in romance ? You get that nagging walking on eggs feeling, but can’t really put your finger on its source ?
I wonder about that a lot!
And recently, I was fortunate to experience a bit of a “ah-ah!” moment, driven by deep discussions with few of my favorite friends as well as a couple epic therapy sessions, where these words were shared with me:
The Dignity of Risk: this ideology encapsulates the absolute right, as an adult, to make decisions that could potentially lead to unfavorable outcomes without external interference.
It immediately resonated with me, like a stone falling into its rightful place, completing yet another small part of my understanding of the world. Below we’ll explore two lenses as to why, and some questions I believe we can ask ourselves to reduce these frictions.
Two disclaimers:
1) Being a strong believer that we make things more complex then they are — probably due to my math/economical background, and the “Pareto Law”, which states that 80% of results are generally due to 20% of causes — I try to boil down things to these 20%.
2) The below is a personal take on self solely based on my learning journey, and may or may not resonate with you. Take what you wish, and leave the rest behind!
People-pleasers
Imagine this. You’ve booked a trip for you and your best friend. You can already picture yourself doing as little as possible — relaxing by the pool, reading, sleeping, and eating all the food around. You’re so happy to go! Your friend tells you they want to book a cooking class. You accept, wanting them to have a good time. Then they start telling you about all the hikes around, sailing opportunities … And every time you accept, giving in your perfect holiday bit by bit.
How do you feel right now ? What are you thinking ?
You’re probably harboring a growing sense of frustration, maybe even anger at your friend, because you don’t get to do what you wanted. By trying to avoid the *risk* (that your friend might like you less) you stripped yourself of the *reward* entirely (these oh-so-sweet-days lounging at the pool).
That’s the *people-pleaser’s plight*. An everyday struggle for me! Whether it’s bending over backward to accommodate friends’ preferences, wildly adapting behavior to the emotions of people around us, or suppressing our own dreams to fulfill the expectations of others, we still spent way too much time striving to be the perfect friend, colleague or partner. And that creates a LOT of frustration.
Worst is, that behavior is preventing you from being authentic, and in turn to create authentic relationship. We all fundamentally strive to be seen. To be witnessed as we are.
The freedom to choose allows for personal development, resilience, and the cultivation of a unique identity; all of which we forsake ourselves by trying to please others too often.
So: by being a people pleaser, you deny yourself of the dignity of risk.
Imposers of opinions
Picture this. Your friend has decided to do something that isn’t so great for them — let’s say, smoke a cigarette, or getting passed-out drunk.
They light a cigarette, enjoying the first puff — right until you start to tell them how bad it is for their health, why it will mess them up, and how poor of a choice they’re making.
How do they feel right now ? What are they thinking ?
I’ll bet the answer isn’t “I feel great, and I am so grateful this person enlightened me with this information”. Likely, they already knew all of that, and took the decision anyway.
No, they’re now left with the same *risk* and none of the *reward* anymore, which was enjoying the moment *without fixating on the risk*.
While your intentions were to protect your friend from harm, what you ended up doing is denying them from their fundamental right to self-determination. No doubt, they’ll be pissed!
This is the *fallacy of control*, which I very often fall into: arguing endlessly with a colleague at work about why their pitch might fail, or debating with my friends why I feel certain life-choices may be too risky at certain times, for instance.
Thing is, research has consistently demonstrated that individuals who are permitted to take calculated risks and make their own choices tend to be more resilient, have a stronger sense of self, and are more adaptable.
We all want to walk through life in amazing company — but no one wants to be carried around.
So: by imposing your opinion, you deny others of the dignity of risk.
Practical questions for personal growth
This is the point where it’s fair to ask “so what ?”. Like most subjects around self, there isn’t a plan anyone can follow.
So instead, here a few questions that I’ve been trying to consistently ask myself, to start to reduce the instances where frustration arises, and hopefully to lead to more peaceful relationships (mainly with oneself!):
- Is this really what I want or am I trying to make someone feel good ?
- Am I really helping there, or am I trying to make myself feel safe ?
- Am I walking through life along with this person, or am I trying to stir their life in the direction I believe to be right ?
If you’ve read this far, thank you! Please share what resonated with you in comments, and don’t hesitate to clap / share this if you enjoyed it. You can even go wild and subscribe, thought I’ve got no idea what the next learning might be about (AI, business strategy, self, travelling, …) or when it will be.
See you then!
