The Gospel of Rob

Part 4

“What exactly am I looking at?” God addressed his angels as he lifted his gaze from the rough sketch on the presentation board.

“That, Lord, is a woman”, Gabriel replied. “The other half needed for Adam to produce children, who in turn will either be duplicates of him or Eve.”

God stroke his beard as he inspected the blueprint. “It seems a bit off…” he muttered and pointed at the drawing’s groin. “Why is there no penis?”

“We have decided… Uhm…” Gabriel messed up again with his choice of words. “… decided to suggest to You that we- you use Adam’s and his male offspring’s penises as their reproductive organs, and in turn give Eve and her female offspring a.. hole… for the penis to be inserted in.”

God shivered at the thought. “That’s repulsive!” He turned to look at the half eaten fruit in his hand and quickly decided he wasn’t hungry anymore. “You sick freaks… And what about those then?”

“Breasts, to feed the babies who would not be able to digest regular food. Nourishing milk will come out of the nipples” Gabriel explained.

God frowned and shook his head. “All these holes and stuff coming out of them…”

He turned to Adam, who had been peeking at the board from behind God’s back. “Would you like to have company? To have this… Distorted reflection to, to… Reproduce with?”

Before he could answer, Adam got distracted by all the angels nodding encouragingly behind God. “Uh…” he hesitated, but then found great courage when Kushiel and Adriel mimed terrifying threats to him. “Yes” he answered convincingly. “I would very much like that.”

Surprised by Adam’s answer, God turned to his servants. “Fair enough then. I will do it, for Adam needs it” he declared as he rested his hand on the man’s shoulder. “And indeed, I have the entire universe to look after, so this is a convenient solution to me and all creation alike!”

The angels applauded their creator’s oh so inspiring speech. With that, God rested his hands on his hips and looked at the ground around his feet. “Right…” he said. “Something to start with.”

He fixed his gaze to Adam’s torso, and without any warning, he ripped one of the man’s ribs off. Adam collapsed to ground and howled in pain. “You had too many of them anyway”, God quipped and snapped his fingers. The pain and wound were suddenly gone, and Adam sat up in amazement.

“ Let me see that again…” God muttered as he walked back to the blueprint with the rib in his hand. He studied the plans for a while before nodding confidently and turning his attention to the rib.

“Less hair on this one” he muttered under his breath as the bone took the shape of the first woman. Before long, Eve had come to existence and stood before them.

God took a step back and together with his angels, admired his newest creation, who in turn was overwhelmed by the world and people surrounding her.

“Welcome to existence!” God greeted and spread his arms. “I am God, aka Lord, creator of you and everything else. Before I let you do your… Duties with Adam over there… Indeed! Meet Adam, your reproduction buddy!”

The humans exchanged looks of intrigue, but before either of them had the time to greet the other, God interrupted them.

“The basics! You, Adam, and all of your male offspring will want to love, cherish and most importantly…” God gathered strength before continuing. “… put your penis inside her and all female offspring.”

God then turned to face Eve. “And you and all of you female offspring will like that.”

They all spent a moment in silence. God raised an eyebrow at his thralls. “That’s it, right?” The angels nodded, and so God grabbed another fruit from the nearby tree and walked to his servants. “Let’s go!” he declared, leaving behind the baffled pair of humans. He clapped his hands while holding the fruit in mouth, and so a wide ray of light descended from between the clouds to lift him and his angels up to heaven.

As they were ascending, God gave some final instructions to Adam and Eve.

“Make many babies!” he shouted before biting into the fruit he was carrying with him. “And don’t eat from that tree! I’ve just decided that its fruits are too good for you!”

With that, they were gone, and Adam and Eve were left alone to fulfill a task they did not quite understand. They knew the how, they were holding hands already. They did not know why, and so a snake was about to reveal itself to them and offer them answers.