Date #1 (AKA “It Begins”)

So, I go on a lot of dates with a lot of different people that I meet online. Many of them are silly. When I recount them to my friends, I usually hear “are you writing a show about this?” or “you should start a blog!” Voilà.

Note: All men I date will be dubbed “Jason” and all women “Jenna.” Any sensitive information will, of course, be changed, and I think it’s just good sense not to recount any stories about people in my industry.

Yesterday’s first (and last) date: AKA Don’t Go Out in the Middle of Grant-Writing
I will preempt this by explaining one way in which I am a terrible online dater. Going out on dates with strangers gives me anxiety. My antidote to this anxiety is to stretch out the online part as long as possible before meeting up. This process has received the glowing reviews of “bizarrely difficult to get together” and “frustrating.” Sometimes, I also do the move of cancelling soft plans and rescheduling. It’s always for a ‘good reason’ and usually not abrupt or short-notice. Something like Justin/Jenna: “Hey, are you free for coffee on Saturday at 1?” Me: “Sure!” Me on Friday Night “hey, I’m feeling really not well tonight. Can we reschedule for Monday at 6 instead? I’m so sorry for the inconvenience!” Not the end of the world, but still a thing I do with way too many people for it to be anything but an anxiety-managing strategy.

So, yesterday’s date was with a fairly prominent artist (not in my field). I looked him up and there were multiple awards and residencies, all that jazz. At this point in my life, these things still impress me. He asked me to meet up at the cafe at the library. Heads up: total panty-melter for a nerd like me. Awesome. I reschedule once during the week and we ended up meeting yesterday afternoon. I had been working on grant applications all morning, so I was very much in the CADAC headspace (is that a thing?). Now this is the only time this has ever happened to me. I get there early and I was standing in line to get a tea and a muffin. I see him across the cafe, looking for me, but he doesn’t see me and the first thought that goes through my head is “nope!” and then “can I just look away, sneak out, and pretend I never showed?” and then, because I’m a decent human being, “No, Emily! You absolutely can not do that!” and so I wave. He comes over, I receive my treats, and we try and find a seat. You know those giant harvest tables, the ones where all the strangers sit together? The only chairs are two side-by-side at one of those tables. We turned the chairs to face each other and, let me tell you, that is extreeeeemely close to be sitting to a stranger you know you are not into. First things he says to me: (looking at my smaller-than-average-sized 1,000 seed, grain, and cardboard muffin) “Wow, you are HUNGRY!” Um……. Not sure how to take that. And, as a woman in our culture, when someone comments on the quantity of food I am eating, it makes me a little uncomfortable. It’s not a nice feeling.

I tend to trust my body about who is a good person and as soon as I sat down with Jason, my body froze right up and was like “nope nope nope.” I kept trying to find subtle points in the conversation in which I could shift my chair away from him. I did this until I accidentally rammed the chair of the guy behind/beside me, who actually made kind of a big deal out of it, eliminating any subtlety to my Shuffle Away Slowly Technique. Had I not hit the man behind/beside me, I might have shuffled all the way out onto Yonge Street, while still politely nodding at Jason’s conversation.

I was extremely anxious and all I talked about was grants (heads up daters, not the thrilling topic you might think.) Also, I knew it was a bad sign when in my head, I said “if I pretend I’m interviewing him for a magazine article, maybe I will enjoy this.”

I think it was most certainly uncomfortable on both ends, since as soon as I finished my tea (about 15 minutes), he watched me put my mug down and said “well, it’s been a pleasure chatting with you. Best of luck.” I’m giving this one a solid 2/10.

Today’s Winning Dating Website Introduction comes from Nuovo-Percorso with: “What’s your favourite position? Can you deep throat?” No one had even said hello yet…