Prince Reports Heaven Is Dull

THE HEAVENS–The Soul Formerly Known as Prince reported Thursday that after experiencing Eternal Paradise for several months, he found it “vanilla.” “Neon pegaguses?” the megastar and eccentric party host groaned and rolled his eyes, while giving a subtle wave to Jimi Hendrix and Mohammad Ali, who soared past him on trails of exploding stardust. “They’re either on their way to a meteor racquetball game, or picking up Moses for intergalactic karaoke again. But at a party in ’84, I had 15 semi-nude models wearing purple angel wings, swinging on ropes with holographic doves, while I performed with a wall of TV’s behind me showing live video feed of guests dressed in walrus costumes slip ’n’ sliding on beautiful frozen Lake Minnetonka.” He laced up some sequined skates with a look of apathy as he continued, “Up here there’s not anything all that remarkable. I’ve eaten better food in Minneapolis, the mustard here is weird, and the basketball is …meh.” The icon did admit that he was honored to be among the 144,000 Jehovahs allowed entry, because he couldn’t imagine how tedious Hell might be.