Harassment and high fives: The many victims of shaming culture

After a man thrust his hand in front of women’s faces on a Melbourne tram, invading their personal space and demanding high fives, a “terrified and angry” woman called him out in a Facebook post. Sick of feeling unsafe in public, she wanted to warn others.

Thousands of likes and shares later, people more familiar with this man claimed he was a regular commuter with autism, and posed no threat to others — but the woman insists she has spoken to his family and he is not autistic.

Whether or not this man has a disability is, as yet, unclear. Men’s rights activists have called the original poster a feminist bully and claimed she was “blinded by her hatred of men”.

What is known — that a man made a woman feel threatened, that he was shamed online for it, and that she has been shamed in turn for her post — is enough to reveal some uncomfortable truths about the way online shaming culture works.

Internet shaming “helps society maintain its norms of civility and etiquette”, says legal scholar Daniel Solove in his 2007 book, The Future of Reputation: Gossip, Rumor, and Privacy on the Internet. But it can also spiral out of control, punishing people permanently and disproportionately to their actions. And in the case of the man on the tram, shaming can happen before we’ve carefully weighed all the facts.

For journalist Jon Ronson in his book So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed, shame is a powerful tool, held up as the “democratization of justice”, but capable of destroying people’s lives. “With social media we’ve created a stage for constant artificial high dramas”, Ronson says.

Women often feel unsafe if approached by intimidating men, and can turn to social media to garner support and solidarity, warn other women, and vent their frustrations at living in a society in which they must contend with approaching men as potential risks.

At the same time, a man with autism shouldn’t be excluded from public life. This is toxic masculinity harming women and people with disabilities. A widespread fear of aggressive men hurts everyone.

How do we stop this from happening again? Stand up for women so they’re not so afraid and angry they feel compelled to take action. Understand that everyone has their own challenges to face, but don’t excuse harassment. Know that when you see someone being shamed, you’ve rarely heard the whole story.