Why My Marriage Goal Failed for 89 Days — 365 Days of Marriage — Day 84
Do you ever have a burst of inspiration as you’re driving home listening to a podcast or something and you can’t wait to get to it and then you get home and all you can think of is cookies?
Um, yea. That’s me right now.
But let me try anyway.
I am in the middle of setting goals for the quarter. Before you think i’m some superstar Covey type, let me tell you I was literally too scared to set any goals at all for YEARS and the few times I tried, I just bombed. Big time, sometimes.
But I think I’m learning a few things about goals. One thing in particular.
And it’s something that shows up almost graphically in my relationship, like it’s that stark of a reality.
It’s not the outside stuff that makes the goal go well.
Outside stuff is important. Do I feel loved by all the outside stuff my husband brings to the relationship to take care of our family? Um, YES.
Does he like opening his drawers and all his decent t-shirts are folded nicely in one drawer and all his ratty ones are folded nicely in another? You bet he does.
But I’m sure you’ve talked to plenty of people who are resentful about what they give in a relationship. And I’m sure you’ve talked to plenty of people who feel guilty about what they don’t give in a relationship.
Either way they’re convinced that what shows up on the outside defines what is on their inside. That they’re the really committed spouse, or a terrible one. That they’re even an overly good person or an awful person.
And they’re not going to get to fixing either self oriented, self sabotaging point of view by working harder on the outside things.
I thought I had a perfect goal I set three months ago. “My goal is marital intimacy, and especially to increase the number of significant loving moments, activities, and events with my husband over the next three months.”
That’s a good goal. It’s specific, measurable, actionable, time keyed, exciting, and relevant. It’s a Michael Hyatt SMARTER goal. S.M.A.R.T.E.R.
What’s that?
I’m missing a letter?
Which R?
Let me look that up.
The R in the middle stands for Risky.
Hmm.
You see, this explains why I didn’t meet my goal till literally the last day in the quarter, in the middle of the night Saturday night.
I didn’t go for risky till the moment I ugly cried my way though that email to my husband about having zero ability to handle the thought of being alone again, of my intense, overwhelming fear of being without him if he died and I didn’t have more memories of us, a lot more overall, and a lot more of being next to him physically.
Instead when I set the goal I laid out “next steps” of making lists of things we could do together and choosing some of those things, and setting aside particular times of the week to be together.
Yep. A list. Risky enough for you? Um …
No way in hell was I just going to come out and tell him I couldn’t handle life without him and that we needed more memories because I was literally scared to death he might die on me without them.
That’s not what a bright, modern, effective, self respecting, goal setting woman of the 21st century does.
And guess what? My goal was bombing. Big time. I mean, we didn’t go out on a single date the whole three months, even the times I tried to set something up people got sick. We watched a couple movies together on the couch. If anything, sharing the same space got even less exciting as I got more and more conscious and frustrated that I wasn’t meeting my goal!!!
So I’m not making that mistake again, not in my relationship goals, not in my other goals.
I’m not going to start with the safest, most practical outside route anymore. I’m going to take that inner curve, that riskier route, and I’m going to be talking a lot more about it too.
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash
