Asinine Antics: Anti-IVF opinions a hoax to cover up mysterious truth that God is a rabbit?
Montgomery, AL-
Amidst the threat of government shutdown and sundry sexual assault allegations, Americans can be forgiven for overlooking the unnerving subtleties of the recent LePage case (in which the Alabama Supreme Court ruled that “extrauterine embryos” are legally children). Newspapers have impugned the core of the case enough; Embryos are now children, which means the average fertility doctor continuing IVF in Alabama is now 300% more likely to star in a 60 Minute documentary as a child serial killer.
A concurring opinion of the LePage case, by Chief Justice Parker, contains a more astounding revelation than mere absence of church and state separation. In his statement he says,“even before birth, all human beings bear the image of God, and their lives cannot be destroyed without effacing his glory”. Human fetuses are the mirror of God’s visage, but are also mutually indistinguishable from rabbit fetuses. The theological conclusion, therefore? God is a rabbit.
Without photographic evidence, Christian theologians have struggled to envision exactly what God looks like. But with Parker’s announcement, and previous scientific study by reproductive endocrinologists, God’s Leporidean nature is irrefutable. Rosanna Liebman, an endocrinologist at the University of Hawai’i, was the first scientist to affirm Parker’s statement and told Asinine Antics, “It was the final tip I needed to prove the connection that had been tickling me for years!”. Liebman is referring to a diagram from Hawaii.edu which depicts human and rabbit fetuses throughout gestation. “See the tail? The slow curve of the legs, and the bumpy head?” Liebman said, “They’re identical”. She and her team hope this discovery will induce the formation of the nation’s first theological-endocrinology labs.
The Rabbit-God connection has proved insightful for biologists studying human behavior as well. “It’s enlightening”, a biologist chatted on Mastodon, “It explains all these bemusing, animalistic characteristics we have”. Humans, it is now believed, are so wary when discussing the unknown, foreign, and uncomfortable, because of the prey instincts genetically hardwired within them. More cynical journals say that it explains the general ineptitude of the human race: “We’re at the bottom of the goddam food chain, no wonder we can’t maintain world peace”.
It isn’t just scientists getting antsy with the discovery, politicians are too. “The evidence was pretty damning” said Rep. Maria Rodriguez R-TX, “which is exactly why politicians who supported anti-IVF policies have been seriously backtracking”. Rodriguez is referring to Republican leaders like Nikki Haley, who initially were in favour of the decision- “Embryos, to me, are babies”- but then reneged their opinion upon further media scrutiny — “I think that the court was doing it based on the law”. Some of this ambivalence could be ascribed to pro-life politicians being unaware that 86% of Americans support IVF, before they made their initial public declarations.
It’s more likely, however, that the LePage case uncovered a multi-millenia theological secret, which the papacy was loath for congregations to figure out. If God is of the Leporidae family, then “The Creation of Adam” and many other effigies would be in dire need of expensive, church-sponsored, restoration. A grand, international, theological intrigue better explains the morally dubious IVF ruling, because why would family-first conservatives not want to provide parents with an opportunity to have children? God it seems, is just hare-ier than believed.
Disclaimer: This piece is satire. Any quotes/facts stated that do not have a link attributed to them are made up.
