Setting my sights on JOY in 2023
This year, I’m giving up on New Year’s resolutions.
I say this as someone who has had great success with resolutions in the past. In 2018 I set a resolution to count calories and get to a healthy BMI after a lifetime of chubbiness. I lost 75 pounds, and kept it off. In 2021 I set a resolution to do yoga every single day. I did, and for the first 6 months of 2022 until COVID threw my off course. Rigid, measurable goals are very motivating for me.
But they’re also stressful. There are years the resolution doesn’t work out and I sputter after a few measley weeks. (For example, 2018 was not the first year I resolved to lose weight!) I used to think the problem was just that I wasn’t sticking with it. But then, after a few wildly successful years of resolutions fulfilled, I realized that I still wasn’t really getting what I wanted out of the ritual. I was meeting specific goals — go me! — but these goals were narrow. Even as I ticked things off my list, these accomplishments felt disconnected from any larger meaning in my life.
Instead of a resolution, this year I am setting a New Year’s Theme
What’s a New Year’s theme? It’s a word or short phrase that you choose to embody your overall direction for the year. This is different then a set of concrete measureable goals. Concrete goals are good for finishing a to-do list, but on the scale of a whole year, they often sets people up for failure. Once you skip the gym or eat the cookie or don’t go to bed on time, your resolution is broken.
A theme is less prescriptive and less harsh than a resolution. Rather than a rigid set of tasks to do (or not), it provides a rubric for deciding how to navigate the messy reality of everyday life. It’s easier to come back to a theme than a resolution, because you can’t break it. Your goal isn’t to do the theme all the time, it’s to aim for a future where you look back at the year and say, yep, overall, this year had lots of THEME.
A New Year’s theme is a tool to keeping you connected with your big picture goals so you can strive for the life well lived. More importantly, choosing a theme forces you to be intentional in defining what a life well-lived actually means to you.
How to choose a theme for the new year? First, reflect on the last year
2022 was a big year for me. I confronted my burnout at work and quit my job in higher ed in the spring. I took a big leap and said yes to cofounding a tech startup in the summer.
Now, 6 months later, my life is a whirlwind of conflicting priorities. I have two small kids, a bootstrapped fledgling business, and no road map for how to manage either let alone both. Thankfully my startup, Kronistic, helps keep my calendar in order so that my work meetings get automatically rescheduled when, say, my son’s school nurse calls me to pick him up and effectively ends my work day. But even Kron can’t help convince my daughter to just put her shoes on already when we’re late for daycare.
Beyond the inevitable chaos of being a working mom, the big career change this year has been intense. I left a job that was draining but that I understood. I was good at the work, and I knew it. Now, I’m learning everything about my work from scratch, and I’m still working on building a community of peers and mentors to learn from. Some days it’s exhilarating. Others, it’s terrifying.
As I reflect back on the year, I’m proud of myself for taking risks and chasing big dreams. But a lot of my emotional attention was on the negative side of things. Thinking about the burnout and regretting how long I stayed in that situation. Reflecting on the tug of war between motherhood and work, then feeling guilty that in trying to do both, I’m not doing enough for either. Wrestling with imposter syndrome and anxiety over all the inevitable unknowns of being a first-time founder. And trying not to look at the huge mess of toys all over my house (then swearing when I step on a LEGO).
There’s so much about this choatic vortex that’s either out of my control, or that I don’t actually want to change. I want to be a working mom. I want to build a company. I want my kids to play with LEGOs. So, since these things aren’t going anywhere, maybe what I can control is my reaction.
In 2022, I felt burned out, stressed, nervous. I also felt excited, proud, and inspired.
What do I take away from this? In focusing so much on where I’ve been and I want to go, I haven’t spent enough time appreciating where I am right now. There is so much in my life that I love. I don’t need to reach for it, I just have to let myself experience it in the moment.
In 2023, I choose JOY.
This year promises to be stuffed full with experiences. The Kronistic team is gearing up for a big push to bring our product to the world. My kids will turn 7 and 4 — growing up too fast right before my eyes, filling up my nonworking hours with swim lessons and play dates and kitchen table science projects. My husband and I want to take the kids to new places after 2+ years of pandemic travel fears.
It’s going to be a wild ride, and I want to enjoy it. I commit myself to focusing on the things that spark JOY.
From the outside looking it, it might look like I already have a major commitment to joy. I am quick to joke and laugh. I tend to be aggressively optimistic. I compliment strangers to get a smile. My social life is pretty active for a mom of little ones. It’s nothing glamorous — our friends come over in their pjs to play d&d or watch movies. I love it.
And it’s true that I really value joy and positivity. But even though I think joy is important, it is often the last thing on my mind when I’m managing my life, my work, and my family. This is why I chose JOY as my theme.
If I value joy, why is it often so far down on my priority list? I am a high achiever. I am laser focused on productivity and duty. It’s hard for my to sit down and chitchat with my husband when there are dishes in the sink. It’s hard for me to enjoy blowing bubbles with my daughter in the park when there are unanswered emails in my inbox.
This means that even when I’m doing fun things, my attention is often elsewhere. I’m smiling at my son’s rambling story about dinosaur tag but in my mind I’m deciding if I have time to go to the grocery store tomorrow between drop off and my first morning meeting.
I am so busy facilitating a happy home for my family and friends, I’m not participating in it for myself. This year, I want to change that.
Here are some of the ways I want to focus on JOY this year.
- Mindful attention to the present. When things are enjoyable, notice and savor it. Think less about whipping out the phone to document the moment for the future and think more about noticing the details RIGHT NOW to create true memories.
- Give myself permission to choose the path that looks more fun for me instead of the one that looks more useful to others.
- Look to my children as role models. They find the joy and wonder in the most mundane things.
- When possible, slow down. All the work and mess will be there later.
- Kronistic is going to take me into some very new situations this year. Practice framing this as an exciting adventure. Some things won’t be easy and sometimes I’ll fail. That’s okay, adventure is messy. It’s fun to learn new things, even the hard way.
- I genuinely believe that Kronistic can make people’s lives better. It’s a privilege to have the freedom to take the risk of building something I believe in. When business things feel overwhelming or intimidating, reconnect with this perspective of gratitude.
- When something is ridiculous, laugh.
- Meet new people and look for opportunities to build community to protect against the isolation of working from home.
- When I find myself with down time, choose things that bring my joy like reading novels, playing games, and calling my family. Do not choose things that are easy to do but do not make me feel good, like scrolling social media.
- Don’t pressure myself to FEEL HAPPY ALL THE TIME. Toxic positivity is a real thing. I will still spend plenty of time feeling stressed, angry, and sad. Congratulations, I’m human! No need to compound those feelings with guilt for experiencing them. It’s not about trying to feel only happy all the time. It’s about noticing and giving attention to the times when I genuinely experience happiness.
I’m writing this down and publishing it on my blog as a promise to myself and to everyone who reads this. Let’s HAVE FUN this year!
What about you, dear reader?
What’s your theme for 2023? Do you have ideas for how to focus on joy? What makes you happy in the midst of chaos? Let me know!
